| Current mood: |  confused |
| Current music: | Interpol--Hands Away |
I hate PMS
Quite a bit has gone on, but no of the bad type for a change. I went to court yesterday for my MIP. It was a whopping $309 fine, but that was it. Mike said I got lucky; no probation. I've been doing college stuff like crazy. There is no possibel way I can take Chinese for a year and I am so sad.... Thinking about it hurts too much. That was going to be my future. Now, it is on hold, you know? I signed up for classes at GRCC though. Not nearly as exciting as GVSU. I'm taking FRench, drawing, cultural geography and algebra. Hopefully I will get a car to transfer me to downtown Grand Rapids, otherwise I am depending greatly on the bus. God, everything sucks. I have to get financial aid figured around. I needa job now that all of my grad money is GONE. That is depressing. In a way, Miguel is getting the future I wanted. He is so fortunate. I'm happy for him. It is just hard seeing the good in this for me...
Phil and I aren't talking after a squabble of sorts. We have never done that before. It feels weird. Whatever... I hope he is happy too. He has JODEE to make him happy. All is pent up anger can be released in the form of semen in his youthful goddess. I wish I was a goddess.
I feel so lost at this point. I can't even cut myself. This morning they were calling for it. It hurts more NOT to do it. I have no idea what to do with this new found...sadness. I used to use cutting/burning and now I have nothing. Sometimes crying can't do anything. Everything is so hard. I have complicated my own life though. It is all my fault and now I am the one complaining. Do you see what a whiny bitch I am?
Miguel has realy made me happy and feel better about things recently. It is impractical, but I wish I could spend every moment with him. Yet, I'm trying to stand on my own. This sucks. I finally spoke to Vanessa. Well, we chatted online. Still, we haven't had a "conversation" in a long time. Ann-Drea and I "talk" daily. It is nice. I miss Vanessa.
I've had nightmares lately.
What would Dagny Taggart do?
Finished "Atlas Shrugged". Now I can die. Not happy necessarily, but I can die. Onto... I don't know.
I feel so inadequate.
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