Hitomi's Razor (bleedingrei) wrote, @ 2003-07-24 11:06:00

Current mood:

determined

It has been a while for an update for some pretty specific reason. I don't want to go into detail, so I will sum it up a bit. I fucked up really bad with Miguel. It broke my heart and will to live because of my stupidity. God, I'm so stupid. Following this, I took all of my pills and ended up at the hospital. This was Friday night, by the way. They pumped my stomach and kept me overnight. When I first arrived at the hospital, Miguel had heard about what happened and showed up. It hurt so bad seeing what I had done to him. The next day I sat around and cried. Anna and Miguel came over for a little while. We were all in a state of disbelief. I gave Miguel my hospital bracelet. After Anna left, Miguel and I just cried.
The next day my mother forced me to Monroe to visit her sister. I got to spend time with my cousin Sean. Becky saw Alex. I saw FyL once and we talked about what had occured. He has lost weight, but looks good. I thought he would yell at me, but he didn't. It was strange to talk to him about loving someone else. It felt like we always should have been friends like that. It was a huge comfort having him there to talk to. He made me realize a lot of things when it comes to broken dreams and broken promises. Life all the sudden became a lot more precious to me. Everyone in my life became a lot more precious too. It scares me. It scares me that I could loose them due to my idiocy. We stayed at a hotel in Monroe until yesterday. My mother informed me that I have lost my rights and I can't be alone now, I can't stay over at anyone's house for a while, I can't lock my door and a handful of other things. It is a bummer. Then again, I did it to myself, no?
Miguel came over yesterday. I was scared to see him. We emailed back and forth for my trip and I spoke to him on the phone a few times. Really talking now, a lot more things cleared up. It occured to me that I only have one life to make things right between us. I don't want that part of my life over with. I love Miguel too much. I love how my life was going. Then I trashed it all because I am dumb and I don't know why. I told Miguel everything in my heart and everything on my mind. So did he. Things may be all right. I do not want to sound too confident. I want us to be all right again. We could be heading in that direction. I don't want to lose him.
I start therapy (again) on Monday with a new therapist. I'm getting some college stuff worked around. I will begin looking for a job again. I can eat again. I want thinsg to be all right. I don't want to mess up again, not like that. I really need to get things on the right track. God help me.

	(Anonymous) 2003-07-24 15:22 (link)
	Heidi, You didn't fuck up everything - that's the beautiful thing about love. No matter how much you think you've screwed yourself over, people will still love you when they're determined to. Be determined to love them too and everything will be alright. *hugs* Much love and friendship, Brooke (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-25 09:50 (link)
	Thank you for the support Brooke. It means a lot to me, really. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	deaaqua 2003-07-25 14:33 (link)
	I love you Heidi, no mater what happens!!!!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-26 09:03 (link)
	thank you. I love you too (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-07-29 02:06 (link)

Aww, I'm so sorry to hear that. :( Actually, I'm not all that sorry. Because you seemed to have learned a lot from that experience. It seems anytime someone goes through a dramatic life threatening thing like that they look at things differently, and start to appreciate all that they have a lot more. Sadly, that whole thing only worked for me once. And I've tried to kill myself like... 64986845 times. Seriously. I can't die. Anyway, it seems like you've come to some really valueable conclusions and are starting to get in right direction. I'm so happy for you. Do not worry about losing anyone. If they were going to leave, they would've already. I hope you know how much the people around you care about you. I'm sure they can understand why you hurt them. Don't dwell on that though. To this day, my parents keep all medication and anything that isn't plastic locked in a safe in a closet with a deadbolt (is that what they're called?) on it. They wouldn't let me alone for awhile either. They loosened up after awhile. Maybe your mom will too. I really hope you're feeling better. I'm sorry I don't have anyting all that comforting to say, but I do mean what I do have to say. *cyber hug* (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-29 08:37 (link)

Seriusly... coming from you, it means a lot. Yeah, I've learned a lot but a part of me is still telling me to die. I guess that wont change. It must be a matter of dealing with it. Hey, it is probably a good thing that you can't die. Who would I talk to? Heh. There are people who care... I just forget about them . I'll try to remember that. Everyone keeps reminding me that they are there, you know? I'm sure you go through this too. Thank you, really. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faeriespeckles 2003-07-30 01:49 (link)

Aww.. *blush* I do mean what I say though. I'm really happy that you've come to the next step... realizing that people care and the first effort of trying to get better after a suicide attempt. That's a very long way to go. I'm so glad that the time I take to write these comments to you is appreciated. I still don't have much of an outlook into my future, but what I think may be in it is a career where I try to help people like us. I dunno. I always hated those kinds of people. I'm rambling. Sorry. People tell me they care about me all the time. I have a hard time believing them, though. It's my fault. I expect too much. What I really want is like... devotion. I can't say that people don't care about me. They do. I don't know about how much, but I'm pretty sure some of them do. I believe that Kacey loves me and right now... that is all that matters. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: bleedingrei 2003-07-30 20:46 (link)

Don't ever feel like you are not appreciated by me. Yes, the time you take ot type these comments means a lot to me. Not many people understand, as I have said before. You do. That reassures me in a way. Has realizing that people care helped you? Are you at the next step? Perhaps you take a step forward and two back as I often do, heh. My future is a gamble right now. The whole college thing is really a pain. Everything seems so bleek at times. Is hoping enough? No... Action. Action. Action. Too much effort, blah. Pursuing a career to help people out like us would be awesome. You would be very good and experienced too. There are some doctors that try to help and have no idea what is going on. A motivational speaker will not help a lost person; it takes more. You know that. Now devotion... I screw up and just want people there to take me back all the time, no matter what I do. Thinking that I'd lose Miguel, I became manic. It was my fault and I was the one begging for him to stay. Thank god for second chances. The love that Kacey gives you and the love that Miguel gives me, is the kind of love that helps me go on. Sure, there are others, but I find his love the most comforting. It is all that matters. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)