|Current mood:|| determined|
It has been a while for an update for some pretty specific reason. I don't want to go into detail, so I will sum it up a bit. I fucked up really bad with Miguel. It broke my heart and will to live because of my stupidity. God, I'm so stupid. Following this, I took all of my pills and ended up at the hospital. This was Friday night, by the way. They pumped my stomach and kept me overnight. When I first arrived at the hospital, Miguel had heard about what happened and showed up. It hurt so bad seeing what I had done to him. The next day I sat around and cried. Anna and Miguel came over for a little while. We were all in a state of disbelief. I gave Miguel my hospital bracelet. After Anna left, Miguel and I just cried.
The next day my mother forced me to Monroe to visit her sister. I got to spend time with my cousin Sean. Becky saw Alex. I saw FyL once and we talked about what had occured. He has lost weight, but looks good. I thought he would yell at me, but he didn't. It was strange to talk to him about loving someone else. It felt like we always should have been friends like that. It was a huge comfort having him there to talk to. He made me realize a lot of things when it comes to broken dreams and broken promises. Life all the sudden became a lot more precious to me. Everyone in my life became a lot more precious too. It scares me. It scares me that I could loose them due to my idiocy. We stayed at a hotel in Monroe until yesterday. My mother informed me that I have lost my rights and I can't be alone now, I can't stay over at anyone's house for a while, I can't lock my door and a handful of other things. It is a bummer. Then again, I did it to myself, no?
Miguel came over yesterday. I was scared to see him. We emailed back and forth for my trip and I spoke to him on the phone a few times. Really talking now, a lot more things cleared up. It occured to me that I only have one life to make things right between us. I don't want that part of my life over with. I love Miguel too much. I love how my life was going. Then I trashed it all because I am dumb and I don't know why. I told Miguel everything in my heart and everything on my mind. So did he. Things may be all right. I do not want to sound too confident. I want us to be all right again. We could be heading in that direction. I don't want to lose him.
I start therapy (again) on Monday with a new therapist. I'm getting some college stuff worked around. I will begin looking for a job again. I can eat again. I want thinsg to be all right. I don't want to mess up again, not like that. I really need to get things on the right track. God help me.
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You didn't fuck up everything - that's the beautiful thing about love. No matter how much you think you've screwed yourself over, people will still love you when they're determined to.
Be determined to love them too and everything will be alright.
Much love and friendship,
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