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Hitomi's Razor (bleedingrei) wrote,
@ 2003-06-27 09:37:00
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    Current mood: uncomfortable
    Current music:There There- Radiohead

    My granmother is meerely a shadow of the woman she used to be. It was almost frightening. She seemed glad to have me there.
    I went and fucked everything up with Miguel... We both think that we are causing one another's pain. We also think we cannot help the other but we try so desperately. He helps me more than he knows. Even though I hurt him... even when there are hot tears rolling down his face. I love him. Seeing him sad because of me or because he thinks everything is his fault, I ache inside. I don't know what to do. Most of the time I cannot even cry. I just want to hold him and tell him it is all right, but that is like asking your cancer to heal you.

    After a long episode of tears and muffled words things seemed to be a bit better. I was truly afraid he would leave. God, I don't know what I would do. To lessen the pain I went to Target for distraction. Made some menial purchases and then went home. Dyed my hair black again. My poor darling called; worried about me again. Er, I am a monster! I wanted ot die so badly yesterday. I could feel my veins speaking to me and telling me to free them from their fleshy home.

    My dreams were confusing and make me feel uncomfortable.

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2003-06-28 01:52 (link)
i...........................................can relate to so much of that. :D

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2003-06-28 09:43 (link)

How often do you feel that way?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

2003-06-29 22:47 (link)
Whenever I realize the damage that I have done, in whatever way. I'm not sure how often that happens exactly, but maybe a few times a week? What about you?

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2003-06-30 09:31 (link)

Also a few times a week. When I know I have fucked up or hurt a relationship dear to me.

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2003-06-30 23:21 (link)
I am sorry that you feel that that happens a few times a week. I'm sure you you don't do that too often. Feel better in yourself. I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear that. lmao... nevermind

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2003-07-01 09:12 (link)

Hehe, maybe you should take your own advice. I'm sure we would be a lot happier. Stupid relationships. Maybe I should be a hermit...

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