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Hitomi's Razor (bleedingrei) wrote,
@ 2003-08-24 10:32:00
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    Current mood: scared
    Current music:Tori Amos- - 1000 Oceans

    I'm over being mad and can finally relax a bit more. Still, I am so frightened of myself. I am afraid of eating way too much. I'm afraid of being too mean, of being too nice. Just insecure. Reading labels on products is like flipping through tv channels.

    After a while of my internal ranting and demons flying all over me, I talked to Miguel online a bit. We were both calm. I felt bad and decided to lay down. He called. We talked for 22:03. I wanted desperately to see him. He came over. We talked and cried and cried and cried. I drew a picture of him and gave it to him. He was laying on my bed in agony. He looks a lot more relaxed in the picture. He doesn't know what he wants right now. I want him. I want him to want me. Even after everything. I broke down about the potential ED. He talked ot me about it and really struck a nerve. I began crying and crying and crying. No more.

    We spent therst of the evening together. Talking. I don't know if it was making things right. I felt good to be close to him. His other roommates have moved in.It will no longer be as quiet as it used to. That is all right though.

    When I lay down to sleep last night, it was the heaviest sleep I have had in ages. I pulled my comforter on the bed. I like how warm it is beneath my blankets.

    I feel so odd.

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