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Hitomi's Razor (bleedingrei) wrote,
@ 2003-08-20 21:07:00
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    Current mood: mellow
    Current music:Tori Amos- - A Sorta Fairy Tale

    Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God.
    I don't know WHY I do the things I do. Even Amanda told me on the phone, "I just don't understany you, Heidi." Neither does Miguel. We really got into it and he... broke up with me... Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. But later on, Miguel invited me over to watch movies with Sam and Dane. Later Anna and Jennifer came by. The four of us went to Steak and Shake. I felt so ackward and out of place. I drank like 4 glasses of ice water and felt like crying at one point. He was sitting right next to me and I could not even touch him.

    Later on, after Dane, Anna and Jennifer were gone, the three of us watched "Mr. Deeds". It was good to see Anna and Jennifer, they are so nice and are good to Miguel and I. I hate to make Anna the medium between us. I do this to Sam as well. The thing is, Sam volunteers and will talk to both of us. After they were gone, Miguel comforted me. As we sat on the couch, we held hands and things started feeling better.

    By the end of the night, which was like 4 in the morning, we were lying in bed together, resting easy. I do not know where we stand right now. He suggested a kind of trial period. To test our committment to one another and my mental well-being. I really feel like I want to make a committment ot him and I will show him how faithful I am to him. I want to show him that I can make better decisions on a consistant basis. I love him too much to lose him.

    Maybe I wil lget some control over my life... I don't know.

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