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Hitomi's Razor (bleedingrei) wrote,
@ 2003-08-12 21:32:00
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    Current mood: exanimate
    Current music:My Tornado-- The Raveonettes

    Quo Vadis
    My stress meter is up 100%. I'm trying to get things to settle down, but I am just going crazy. I had therapy yesterday morning and that was good. Saturday we went to confession and mass. I helped Miguel move into his apartment yesterday as well. He is so excited about his apartment and car and everything. I'm so happy for him. Still, I feel like a caged bird. I can't do anything right. I feel so stressed. I had a panic attack today and then had 4 cups of coffee. I'm so wired, I think that my heart is going to explode.

    I'm being happy for Miguel and I wonder if he thinks I can relate? We were eating breakfast and I was wondering what it would be like if we switched places. We were both silent and looking around. I felt like I was in HIS home and I was this pathetic being without much going on. A loafer. A mooch. Like I'm trying to squeeze into his life. Sam and Miguel offered to let me stay whenever I want or need to. Still, I am imposing. Imposing.

    I'm writing a fictional account of myself so I can torture Computer-Heidi. It is fun, but at the same time, I wonder if that is doomed to be my fate. I have the power to make my life what I want it to be, but I feel so out of control. Out-of-control. I feel hurt and sick and lost. I am trying to do things on my own a bit more and it is liek an infant whose mother just let go of her hand when she can't walk on her own. I'm stumbling around on my hands and knees. Everyone is there but I'm not. I'm out of place.

    Where am I? I don't care so much about who I am, just where? When am I?

    Why can't I be someone else?



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