I've been dead lately. I think I'm goin' up to DC to visit my mom or somethin'.. take Brody an' Nathan wi' me. When I leave for Japan, I hope Brody'll stay wi' ma for at least the rest of summer. I don't like leavin' her home alone.
Japan, Japan, Japan. Then after tha', the fall tour wi' Mest. As much as I'm glad tha' we had a summer break, I wish it had been extended for at least the rest of tha year. Haha. I love tourin' an' all but it's so fuckin' tirin' an' stressin' an' you know wha? It ain't so fun when you're on a cramped bus wi' four other guys an' God knows who else is gonna be on the bus wi' us. Mandy an' her kids. Billy's girl. Paul's... whoever he's wi'... Chris's... whoever he's with if he's wi' anyone. Chris you sonofabitch. Talk to me sometime.
I've been kinda down lately. Not sure why. It juss came in outta nowhere. Been a little depressed an' been snappin' at people left an' right an' juss bein' plain pissed off at life. I fuckin' hate that part of me. I wish I could be more like Joel. He's so laidback 'bout things, sometimes a lil' too laidback but whatever works. He don't really get mad an' shit at the simplest things. Unlike me. I fuckin' have the worst temper, no doubt. I don't even know what the fuck goes on in my own head, all I know is tha' when I'm pissed, people juss gotta stay outta my way an' not piss me off. Maybe tha's why I get pissy at Lena a lot. HAHA. She always tries to talk to me at the worst fuckin' times. It always happens when I'm in a bad mood, man. What the fuck.
Virtually, I don't got no problems goin' on for me right now. Wow, first time for everything apparently. Life really couldn't be better for me, it's juss my random moments of aggravation tha' seems to come up a lot more often than normal. I think I'm goin' to go to see someone 'bout this. I think I'm goin' crazy. I don't fuckin' know. There are times when all I wanna do is juss curl up in a corner an' bawl my fuckin' eyes out. or times when I wanna pick up shit an' juss throw up on the ground an' watch 'em break. I talked to someone 'bout these an' they said it sounded a lot like anxiety attacks or some crazy shit like that. :shrug: Fuck if I know wha's wrong wi' me. Ask Joel. I'm prolly juss bein' an asshole 'bout it like he usually says I am.
My one-year marriage to Brody is up an' comin'. Dude. I can't wait. This means tha' Joel's one-year marriage is comin' up soon too. Heh. No we ain't gonna celebrate it all together. The fuck. I know we're twins but we don't do EVERYTHIN' together, aight. I tihnk it's come to tha' point in our lives where everythin' we'll be doin' aside from the band is gonna be done separately. I don't think he needs me hoverin' over his shoulder anymore an' I don't need him to do the same to me even though... he doesn't do tha' anyway. It's me who's always hoverin' over his shoulder an' pretty much watchin' everythin' he's doin'. 4 minutes or what the hell ever, I'm still older an' I can be a prick to him some of the - :corrects myself: - most of the time, but tha's only cause I don't want him fuckin' up an' when he fucks up, it pisses me off 'cause in my eyes, I'm the only one outta the both of us tha' should mess up. And when my brother - my brother who's more together than I am, the guy who's quiet an' laidback an' never usually does shit to hurt people - when he messes up, it messes me up. I don't want him doin' the stupid shit tha' I do, I don't want him doin' anythin' stupid, period. It's hard for me to tell him how I feel 'bout things. It used to be so easy but now it's juss hard because the words get stuck in my mouth an' I'm afraid tha' if I tell him, he'll think I'm bein' fuckin' stupid.
Y'know wha's funny? Even though me an' Brody have a pretty good marriage, I couldn't be happier, I always thought Joel had the perfect marriage. They hardly ever fought an' everythin' was smoothed over wi' a smile an' a quick kiss. So when I hear things like my brother's thinkin' of divorcin' his wife for... no real reason at all... it's gonna set me back a few steps or so. In our family, divorce is somethin' tha' isn't taken lightly. After all the shit tha's happened, I can't even comprehend why he would think of leavin' his family. HAHA. Leavin' his family. Tha's what our dad did to US. An' my family never recovered from it.
When I look at my family. Brody an' Nathan. I can't even imagine bein' apart from them. My wife an' my kid... they're the reason why I'm not sittin' around drinkin' myself to death. They're my purpose for gettin' up each day, determined to provide my wife wi' a good life an' to give my kid a normal life as much as I can give 'im. I juss hope he won't grow up an' resent me for not bein' there a lot. But I hope he knows tha' I'll be there for the important things. For the school plays, for the games, for the graduations, for the first days of schools. I'll be there. I won't be there everyday of his life like I oughtta be, but for the things tha' matter to him, I'll hop on tha' plane an' fly back home. Even if for juss one day.
An'... tha's my update for tha day. Thank you for shoppin' at Walmart, bitches. :bows:
(Post a new comment)
 |
 j__madden
2003-08-01 10:58
(link) |
First off, your icons are fuckin' badass.
Second.. uh.. I was just about to write an update about you. Bout us as brothers and stuff. Mainly cause it feels like the older we're getting, the farther apart we're drifting. I guess it's cause we both have our own families now and fuck we live on separate ends of the united states. It can only be expected I guess. From what you said I guess I'm not the only one who noticed it.
Oh and dude. I remember when you suggested that we get married at the SAME fuckin' time. You were all "yeah dude, let's get married all together!" Hahah. Prolly would've happened too if you hadn't of gotten that priest and told me and Mandy to come get married right that minute.
And your aggravated moments.. I just figured you were just stressed and over worked or somethin.(Reply to this) (Thread) |
| 
brody_arms
2003-08-01 19:10
(link) |
Baby, I love you so much. I know youve been down lately, and so have I and I know thats not helping at all. Im sorry. I will stay with your mum if you want me to. For a lil while at least. It will be good to be able to rest some finally. The stuff you said about Nathan resenting you...never baby. Just look at him when you walk in the room, how happy and excited he gets. Your his father. He loves you. When he gets older, ahe will understand if your not around a lot. Its part of our lives, and we have to deal with it. When hes old enough, and he can go out with you, he will see what its like. And he will love it, just like he loves you. This is our life baby, Im gunna be out on tour sometime too, so this is just something we have to get use to. Nathan will get through it, and so will our future kids. It happens everyday baby, and familys stay strong. Just have faith in us. Its that simple.
I love you
(Reply to this) (Thread) |
(Post a new comment)
|
