Becka (becka_roo) wrote, @ 2004-04-28 21:29:00

Current mood:	calm
Current music:	Close Your Eyes ~ Jump Little Children

ooh mow mow, pah pah ooh mow mow
Well...it's back...So and I feel like writing a complete entry...so...I think I will. First off, you should know that I have been cheating on Blurty. Yes, it's true. Check it out. ^__^ So yes...now...

These past fews days have been so good. Not all of the entire day, but most of the days have been really very enjoyable. I have retreat tomorrow, too. So that's awesome. And in this moment, right now, I have just about no cares in the world. The weather is beautiful, I'm listening to fun music, dad isn't home, and there's no homework hanging urgently over my head. Yes, I have homework to do. Yes, there's quite a bit to do. But right this moment, I know it can wait. I can do this. I can handle this. I'm not so sick at all anymore. I'm feeling quite good, really. Those insecurities that have been rearing their ugly heads are going into hiding once again. I'm feeling pretty good over all.
I do have a lot of work to do before May 5th, though. But don't we all?
But something really odd happened today. Or, it struck me as...nice...I was in the dance room for about 20 minutes of rehearsal, and as you know, I hate looking at myself in mirrors. Especially that one. I loathe seeing myself in the mirror during the day. Most particularly the full-length ones. But today, I didn't feel disgusted with what I saw. That is something really small, and really shallow, but it made me just a little happier. For some reason, all my insecurities that I've been quelling have been acting up, and I think this shows that they are in check once again. It was just something little. But, in a way, big to me.
And today, Ryan taught me how to dance the meringue and Dan (C) taught me to dance the cha-cha. Fun stuff! They were both very good teachers! Ryan especially. He's a funny kid. He's doing so well with this part. I mean, I've always thought he was a good actor, but I was pleasantly surprised by his singing. I am so excited about this play!!!!! We have an excellent cast, so even if I sucked it would still be worth your money. Besides, I don't suck. So you definitely all HAVE to come see it now! Good times, good times. I better see you there on opening night, kiddos. Wednesday May 12th. Holy shit, that's in two weeks from today. Do you realize how jumpy I am about it? I'm excited, but nervous...it's a bad combination. And they put the raised part of the stage up today, but all of them weren't secured into the floor, and they all haven't been painted, and the ramps aren't set up yet. It's so freakin scary being on those things with them not being secured. Ah! I was so scared. But it's looing great. Oh man! It's going to be so great!!! Guys, you have to see it to believe it! ("Believe, Sanch, believe.") Anyway, the moral of this story is that you should see it, and it will be worth it.
Hmm...it's funny how little things remind me. They remind me and they make me sad. I think I do a good job of not showing it so often, but it's always in the back of my mind. A sad song. A number of regular songs, slow, or sad, or not. Certain things in my locker. Certain things here on my desk. In my room. It's funny how you connect things to people. Sometimes I smell a particular smell, and it's like nothing has changed. It doesn't make sense that I am moved by that scent, it's not like things have changed. But then, after just a split second of that, I am forced to remember that, oh...yes. They have changed. They have changed a great deal. Was I naive? Was I wearing blinders? Did I really do nothing wrong? There's no way to know for sure. I wish there was. I almost wish I could have controlled what happened. I tried. Believe me, I tried my hardest. But sometimes you need to know when to let go. When to admit defeat. Admit you have no control. You can't control other people. So why bother trying?
But anyway, enough of that. Enough of the memories. Live in the moment, right?...Right? Who knows. I certainly don’t. But I think that’s part of the fun, not knowing. Because it’s all a trial and error experience, this life of mine. I mean, I once tried a peanut butter sandwich, but I found that I almost died, so I didn’t eat one again. Trial and error. It’s all trial and error.

“When the road gets dark/ And you can no longer see/ Let my love throw a spark/ And have a little faith in me/ And when the tears you cry/ Are all you can believe/ Just give these loving arms a try baby/ And have a little faith in me…/ And when your secret heart/ Cannot speak so easily/ Come here baby/ From a whisper start/ To have a little faith in me/ And when your back's against the wall/ Just turn around and you, you will see/ I will catch your, I will catch your fall/ Just have a little faith in me…/ Well I've been loving you for such a long time / Expecting nothing in return/ Just for you to have a little faith in me…/ And all you gotta do is a have a little faith in me”
Have A Little Faith in Me ~

There have been so many covers of that song, I don’t know which artist to put there. But I do know that that is one of my favorite songs. “Let my love throw a spark” What a beautiful idea. Trust. Faith. Support. Seems idealistic. Too romantic. Is romance dead? Did it die with chivalry? I would hope not. I sometimes have reason to think it hasn’t died. But then, who really knows if the “romantic” things people say aren’t for another purpose. I’ve sure heard plenty of lines. I have believed them, too. And I’ve seen what an idiot I am. There’s nothing so rude of an awakening as realizing you been so gullible to trust someone you believed in. To be used. Exploited. I know how that feels, too. I know it two times over. Do you know how it feels to be exploited? Do you know how it feels to have your trust violated? Really violated? I actually hope most of you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I hope moreover that you don’t know the feeling. That feeling. Memories. Bygones. Trial and error. I wonder if I’ll ever get that naïve Becka back. The one that can love like I’ve ‘never been hurt.’ I wonder sometimes. I see it. The love of story books. The love that I used to daydream about. The kind of romance that the nine year old Becka wished for.
I remember getting into a little discussion about this with William. Marriage isn’t a “when” for me. It’s an “if.” It’s not for certain. Not for anyone. And, I’ve been disillusioned by my parents, so it’s almost as if…what is there for me to believe in? But then I remember my grandparents and I think…I wish that I could be like that. That kind of life is the life I want to have lived. But, my grandparents didn’t get there by being high school sweethearts. My grandmother married, had two kids, was then abandoned…all before finding the real love of her life.

It’s times like this when I have to lean forward, sometimes imagining what it would be like if I could travel forward in time to when I’m, say, 20 or 25…maybe 30 so I can look and see what I have done with my life. What maybe I could do differently. Then again, some of the fun might be taken out of it. Good thing it’s not actually an option. I’d never be able to decide. But…!!

I here, I’m alive. I’m one lucky person. I’m so spoiled by the friendships I have. By the people who love me. Who care about me. I am blessed with the knowledge that I have a reason to keep going, even when I don’t really feel like it. Sometimes for me, but sometimes for others. And in the end, “the love you take will be equal to the love you make.” Not in the short run, in the long run.

Anyway, this entry is getting lengthy…but let me begin to end it with this: tell me people, let's have a vote. All in favor of me keeping the blurty, say "aye!" (Not just to your computer screens, but to either my face, or the comment box...And if you check out the livejournal and think it looks better or whatever you find more appealing, let me know. I can't update both, and your opinion is much appreciated. :)

Also, William! Get better!!

And, Jeffy...omg I feel so bad. I'm so sorry! I told you I was a bad influence!!!!!!!!!! Sorry...:\

And what can I write my 10 page paper on…?

K Bye.

	(Anonymous) 2004-04-28 21:49 (link)
	go with livejournal. cuz im in livejournal. and although its shallow, i think that you should be in livejournal too. therefore we can be livejournal buddies as well. ok. im done. word out. ~ mikE (Reply to this) (Thread)