| Current mood: | contemplative |
| Current music: | leonard cohen - chelsea hotel #2 |
here we go chelsea hotel.
every song seems sweeter. every chord more sad. this is me. on anti depressants, and without. i tried to fix me for you. i tried to fix me for me. ultimately i just broke through the clouds in my brain and realized "i need you, i dont need you." you never liked leonard cohen, i feel like him. ugly but beautiful. i wont cut myself, i wont take drugs, i wont cry, i wont threaten to leave here forever. im going to kiss my parents good night, and my brother and sisters too. im going to get up at 7am for my 8am class, then the next day im going to get up at 8am for my 9am class. im going to study, im going to have a drink with my best friend occasionally. im going to get a job that is transferable to the big city. im going to keep saving every penny and not go out. im going to get good grades. im going to graduate this semester. i can do all of this without you. i can do this. i dont have to replace you, im ok with feeling the hole. i know where you went in my body when i kissed you. you placed yourself behind my left rib, protected by the bone and trapped right beneath my heart. who could replace you? im ok knowing im not enough. how could i be under those circumstances. i know im different now. but you dont. the last time i saw you it was different but i enjoyed your company completely. i always did, i think i always will. its like youre dead, its scary and sad. i wish i could be bigger and see you. even talking to you would help me. you always knew what to say. you always gave the best advice. we parted without a handshake, without a hug, knowing we may potentially never speak again. it hurt but i am most certainly lying in my own bed now.
the therapist says to write it all down so i can bury it and leave it behind forever. therapist...jesus... im trying harder than ever to be reintroduced in to society as a fully functioning adult. i feel amazing but only half as good as i know i could have felt had this been different...
"Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."
Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.
I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often."
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