| Current mood: | confused |
| Current music: | animal collective - daily routine |
4th step
inventory of myself.
its going to get ugly...
At an AA meeting two days ago a man explained how physically ill the 4th step made him, and how it took him months to complete the step, being sick all the while. I dont want to be sick. I dont want to write down everything I feel Ive lost in the last couple of months. I dont want to say your name. I dont want to see your face. These boys love me. I want to love them, but why is everything so rushed? Everyone of them is pressuring me and thats not how I handle these situations. I feel like all this pressure is going to make me hate everyone of them and Ill never want to see them again. I like them all. I dont love anything or anyone anymore. At least thats what I wish I could believe. I love attention, I love hugs, I love kisses, but I dont know how to recreate that feeling. I dont know if I even want to. All I know is that Im probably not in a good enough place yet to promise anyone anything of mine. Not my attention, not my time, not my soul, and defs not my heart. I wish I could. Im glad Im not. Quite perplexed... meanwhile I avoid looking at anything that reminds me of my past life. My past lives. It seems like a million years ago. I wish you could see me now. Im going to have to write it all down again. Im already sick just thinking about it. They say it will help the wounds, help the healing. I cant even comprehend what that must feel like... being healed. Its a far away goal. Everyday is a challenge.
One Day at a time. I feel a bad decision in the works. I cant think like that anymore. I think more meetings will help. They usually do wonders. Im amazed at how effective they are.
School is going great. So far so good. I have 8 and 9 am classes and I actually make them. ha ha. The ball is most definately rolling. ha ha.
o boy.
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 | Hang tough, my friend ...
 walter_mitty
2009-09-12 22:15
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I ran across your journal a few weeks ago, and have taken time to read many of your posts. I understand the emotions you feel about both your loss of your relationship and the anxiety about the 12-step. I'm in a very similar position (including therapy).
The loss of that relationship in my life drove me to the brink of suicide. The loss of that relationship was due to my own actions. I have been overwhelmed over the months by guilt, shame and hating myself and my life. I contemplated suicide, but realized that would only hurt those I love again.
I have been struggling with my 12-step journey as well, and Step 4 is a big one. There's no "right" way to do it, and dont' feel like you have to get it done in a certain amount of time. The important thing is to push forward. Yes, it hurts. But it has a valid purpose. I have worked on it and done it more than once. The members of the group know it is important to keep moving forward. If you haven't, share your difficulties with other members. I believe that no one outside our groups can really understand what we're doing; your group offers total acceptance and support.
The truth is that none of us wish to complete Step 4. I suggest to you that those who have been through the Steps may seem pushy because moving forward is really THAT important.
I have read the pain you feel over the loss of your relationship, and it is so familiar to me. I wish there was a simple way to remove the love we feel for another person who does not love us back. There's no way to describe the emptiness, and to also know that it was your behavior (in this case, mine) that caused it to end.
I have found a great deal of help working through this relationship thing with a therapist. Even on anti-depressants, the sadness was overwhelming ... all I did was sit at my desk and wish I were dead. Life had no meaning, and I was a piece of shit that didn't deserve to occupy space on this planet. Therapy has helped with other issues, but the relationship issue has been the big one that has created my depression and anxiety that no meds could fix.
As of now, I have pretty much let go of those feelings. I can't go back and read my old journals, it makes me want to be back in that time, so I deactivated them. I have accepted responsibility that my actions led to her reaction; just because it hurt, just because I didn't believe it was right, doesn't make her actions wrong or less valid. She made the choice, and I've tried to respect it.
Therapy has helped me see the relationship in a whole different perspective. I can now understand what happened and why. My goal is to learn from it, and I think I have.
My therapist told me that in a situation like mine (and probably yours), its a mourning process. And mourning the loss of the relationship is like walking across a 10-mile-long bridge. It takes the time it takes to cross it. If there was a med (besides a trigger for my addiction!) that would have helped me get over that "bridge" I would have jumped for it. It just takes the time it takes to mourn the loss and to begin healing, and it does come. If you are still seeing a therapist, make this a part of that therapy. I know the temptation to escape the pain by our addiction is so great at times. If you don't have a therapist now, check around for one that uses a sliding scale (meaning that they'll take cash rather than charge you their insurance rate).
Good luck to you, my friend. Hang tough and don't quit, and when it comes to the meetings, always Keep Coming Back.
Jay
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