beanrmcbeanrson (beanrmcbeanrson) wrote, @ 2009-08-12 00:33:00

sober
day 5... almost 6, yeah i count the hrs now.

this is going to be hard. i realized i do love drugs but i also realized they dont mean jack shit and that its easier to forget that im a complete idiot loser that cant keep anyone around to love me, ever. i hate knowing that, i hate feeling that. its worse than these sweats i get. its worse than the throwing up and then fevers and the chills. its worse than any withdrawl symptom or drug induced panic attack. knowing that i am the reason no one loves me. knowing you have someone else that made you happy. knowing that i had you, and now i dont. i cant even call you. you dont feel sorry for me, you dont want anything to do with me and you dont really even care if i get sober or not. youre done.

i care. i want to feel like a person again but remembering that youre not anywhere near me makes me want to die.

i want to do this. 365 days to prove to myself, to prove to you that im not a drug addict.

i love you.... why?

i havent the slightest clue.

i miss you like ive never missed anything. this isnt supposed to carry over so long... i was over you... then the drugs wore off and now im right back in the same spot, alone and miserable.

my only problem w drugs, is that i remember everything without them, and right now i feel like i would do anything to my body, to my brain, to stop thinking of you...

but im going to cry and fall asleep instead.
youre nont my excuse for doing drugs, youre my inspiration for quitting. even tho you dont love me...