| Current music: | tailor smith - you belong with me (kill yourself remix on tv |
in conclusion, I want to die
i fell asleep in my bed, on my side, with another person on the other side. it was the first time since you. i didnt have sex with them, i dont intend on ever having sex with them, i like them, i love them, but not at all romantically, just as friends. i woke up to them repeatedly trying to wake me up in the nicest way possible, first moving my shoulder, then by trying to scare me by telling me i was going to be late for work, then trying to make me laugh. making me laugh is the only way i ever want to wake up, its the best way. when i heard them talk, when i felt them touch me, in my sleepy haze, i thought it was you. it sounded like you, it felt like you, but i think i was just subconsciously hoping it was you so badly, i just overlooked those minor details at the time.
it wasnt you, its never going to be you, ever again.
I cried uncontrollably all day.
I made myself sick. it was the first time i had thought about you in a few days. it took this long to not think about you all day everyday, but occasionally youll come up in conversation, or something will remind me of you but i try not to dwell. i have repressed you, banished all thoughts away, as if they never happened. it fucked with my perception of reality because i dont know what really happened anymore, or if you even exist at all... also im losing my mind.
secondly i smoked a lot of black tar heroin today, ACCIDENTIALLY! my boss smokes lots of pot, and has an office bong, which i hate knowing exists because its really trashy to work in a stereotypical tattoo shop, drugs, guns, gangs, bikers, etc, anyways so i have been smoking a hit or two to get motivated every now and then. once a month maybe. today was that day but i couldnt find his pot but i found what i thought to be hash or resin by his bong. i smoked it the way i saw him smoke it once after cleaning his pipe out once, i almost couldnt tell my body to continue to breathe, couldnt move, i was scared shitless. i told one of my friends about it and i described what i felt and how it tasted like a bouquet of flowers, still thinking it was just really strong hash, he said it was definately heroin. that was over 14 hrs ago, i have been scared the whole time, completely lost out of my mind and in complete despair.. the fact that there is pot in the office i can overlook, the fact that black tar heroin and i heard someone talking about him in the shop saying his wife is saying hes back on meth and bad, i cannot. thats too fucking much. i cant be around an atmosphere like that, its how bad problems get worse and i see it getting worse, they are all enablers, im not even going to stick around to find out. im giving my notice. i dont trust myself. i dont. i know im not strong enough, not yet. im trying to be proactive, but still, today im still out of my mind crazy, exchausted, and the hallucinating still. plus the television keeps telling me to kll myself. thats never happened before...im completely insane... i think in going to explode. i desperately want to turn the off this feeling, and ive learned to never smoke anything ever again... please stop this feeling... please i cant handle this stress.....
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