| Current mood: | optimistic |
| Current music: | i cant stand losing you - the police |
i cant i cant i cant stand losing
i love the police now that is so weird. until recently i was always creeped out by them. eh.
ok so something big is afoot. Im not quite sure what it is but all of a sudden im back. im up im ready and i forgot how much i love to play this game, im so good at it. my biggest hurdle as always, is wanting what i cant have. there are 5 million people places and things i want right now and i have to figure out which ones im going to really try for.
temptation is my best friend. its just working in a completly different way for me this time. fuck drugs this is way more fun.
im by myself, but i think im me again. took a little longer than i had hoped, but I think im back. I feel 19 again... but that could be a good thing or a bad thing... i guess ill have to see.
OCTOBER: I want to leave for good, NY. im setting the goal. no more buying alcohol, im already not buying drugs, no more fast food, and cigarettes... theyre going to have to go too...i need to save all the money i possibly can. Its all for the cause, reinvention in a far away land. Im gong to practically give away tattoos that i want to do, just to get my portfolio up and im knocking out paintings left and right. i want to be impossible to pass up when i apply to a shop in NY, a valuable asset in a shop that will make me better. Its the dream, im going to live it. Italy does sound tempting though, but i think its going to take me a little longer to get there.
as for everything else, im not thinking about it. anything from before. its out of my mind. nothing worth trying for, nothing worth crying for. it shouldnt have come to this but it did, im afraid if i talk about it or think about it anymore ill lose momentum. so you no longer exist to me, because i know id do anything and everything for you, and i know thats going to be how i feel about you forever, but if you dont exist, there is no problem. i remind myself thats how you feel too, so its easier. had you felt differently i think i could have had it easier, and had it all, but you dont and this is my only option. i know who you are, i always will, but i dont go back there anymore because i cant handle not having it, not having you. I wish I could keep some of it, because most of it was a blast, but thats just it, i cant ever go back there, and thats too sad for me to think about anymore. That doesnt mean I dont still want it, I will always want it back, but that was up to you, not me. I understand that much now.
this is me now, clean slate, i know ive said it before and its prob not the healthiest but its what im going to have to do to get on with a smile and thats whats most important to me. more important than love.
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