| Current music: | sound of silence - simon and garfunkel... |
day 3
3 days with no business. im starting to freak out. im totally broke and i havent seen a bad week like this in a month. i need to pay da bills. im thinking I need to get out of here now. its starting to get to me. everything. you, work, sobriety, not sobriety. i feel guilty for everything I do. not doing drugs, doing drugs, not seeing my family as much as id like, not hanging out with all of my friends, sitting at work for 13 hrs with no appointments, not calling you, thinking of you, knowing youre gone. Im stressing myself, throwing up in the bathroom like 5 times a day. stress. ulcer. Im trying and getting nowhere fast. I dont want to see a dr. im hoping it kills me.
you have a boy friend now... god damn. i dont even know what that does to me. im happy for you... but not really. Im jealous. i dont think i can ever see you again. i knew it was bound to happen, and i guess whenever it happened, a month after we broke up, or ten years after we broke up, it would still seem like it was too soon, but you had made up your mind a long time ago so i guess it doesnt seem that soon to you... Its the final straw tho. I cant do this anymore. I cant sit here and hate my life because youre gone. I need to know youre not around, I need to get as far away as possible and let you live your own life so that maybe i might have a chance at one myself. everything is so illogical to me. nothing makes sense. i wish i could hear me talk or listen to my own advice but all i see is your face, your smile and us, and its crippling. still crippling. how can i find happiness? I dont think I can...
im going to run away again. Its all I know how to do. I hope i make it to the east coast. Im getting rid of everything and everyone i know. Im going to be all alone and im going to make it or im going to die trying. either of those options seem better than sitting here in Fresno without you for one second longer.
i feel like ripping out my insides. I hate what I am here. I hate how stagnant my life is. Im 22 and I hate it. I told myself id never make it to this age, now i know why.
Im done.
Im gone.
Im not leaving a note.
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