| Current music: | lullaby - the cure |
time after time
3 months after my last break up i had forgotten everything and i had moved on, not completely but for the most part, moved on.
when is that going to happen this time?
I wish i didnt think about you all day every day. I kills me.
When can I eat, sleep, or care about myself again?
When are you going to take a bottle of cough syrup and drive over here, have great sex, and make it all better? When can I pick up the pieces of my broken self and reassemble them with you? I love you. I wish I didnt. I wish i could eternal sunshine you away because everyday without you is painful. I can be whatever you want me to be, I just cant be this anymore. I cant be broken anymore. Id rather just not be. I draw and work and think about you all day. Every song I hear reminds me of you in some way. Every place i drive by reminds me of something we did there or near there. I dread coming home to this shell of a room every night. Its not fun without you. Nothing is. I want to get over it. I want nothing more than to just move on, for me. I dont think I can. There is something holding me back I just dont know what it is. I have fucked up every opprotunity for a relationship with anyone else who has attempted recently, why? I cant see myself with anyone else. It seems ridiculous. I still feel like it would be cheating. Its so dumb. Why do I think that? I honestly just dont think its fair to them mostly. My head is somewhere else. My heart is someplace else. Im always thinking about you. Always. Or whats worse I bring you up somehow... I am my own biggest cock block. I think ive told more people about us in these last few months than the whole time we were together. I tell anyone who asks. Everyone at my shop knows about us and they have never even met you. Nothing bad, everyone just thinks its really weird that I dont have a boyfriend and that I dont fuck, so I explain that I just got out of a really serious relationship with someone who was really important to me, someone who has all the qualities I could ever want in a significant other and that everyone and everything else seems mediocre in comparison. I wont settle. I have ridiculously high standards now. Thanks...
When does this get better. Im ready. I know you dont love me anymore but that doesnt change the fact that I still love you, and that you were an amazing best friend and an even better lover. (I hate that word...lover...ugh) It doesnt change the fact that the next person has to be even better,even hotter, even smarter, and even more talented, to even stand a chance...big shoes to fill.
Why did we have to date? I miss you so much. I wouldnt trade any of it if i could, but I wish I could have found some way to remain friends. I dont think I can ever have you back as a friend. I love you too much. Thats what makes me the most sad. I wish I could be a big person about it but im just too much of a baby to want to share you. Its what makes me cry, what keeps me up at night, and what keeps you on my mind all the time. Basically its what makes me the mess I am now. Why did I have to lose my best friend, my other half? Im never having sex again, because Ill be too scared to lose any potential long term friends. Sex isnt all that important anyways. Ive been doing without for a long time now, it doesnt bother me. Without my heart its not really even something I can even think about. I dont even watch porn or any of that anymore. It doesn't exist to me, and you know me, thats actually a big deal. Nothing is really important anymore...
im going to stare at the wall for a couple of hours and try to fall asleep, think about colors and shapes, something abstract that it will be hard to relate to you. Thats how I usually try and do it.
I would love nothing more that a kiss, a hug, and a head rub... Just thinking about it, I can feel it... thats my idea of perfection...
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
(Post a new comment)
|
