| Current music: | Norwegian Wood - the beatles |
all nighter
the last couple of nights i have hardly slept at all. im exhausted. my mind has been racing and i cant just let go of all the stress at the end of the day like i used to. thursday night i got wasted for the first time in a long while. i had transport so i didnt have to worry and i had fun. i saw you. i did make me sad to know that we used to attend these very same establishments in better times and now we dont speak and you are attending them with other people, mainly the boy. im not too worried about it, i just hate having to see it over and over again. this is what im talking about, having to move. i want to be able to go out and have fun without worrying about seeing you. it makes my stomach ache and my eyes water. i hurts. i didnt bother you. i left you be as though you werent really there, it doesnt seem right. it seems bizarre that i have to ignore you existing as a person, when before i couldnt wait to see you every min of everyday. these were our fun places and now they are just the few fun places to go in town and we cant acknowledge each other if we both happen to be there. its ugly. it really is. it really makes me sad. more so than your new bf. i feel so disgusted, and disgusting. its not right...
i deleted you off my myspace because i dont want to have the option of looking at your page. it makes me sad to see the pictures of us still up, all your new friends on your top, thinking about which one it is youre dating, i dont want to see the day when you change your "relationship status" to in a relationship, it will kill me, but you should be able to, so i think its important to give you your privacy back and have you not have to feel guilty about it i guess. if i see an "i love you comment," i will flip, so its better that i nip it in the bud now i guess. im not that strong, im sorry. it seems really petty but every little thing really does add up, especially when im having a bad day, the little things build up and make me horribly depressed. im trying not to go back to that place anymore. its hard, but i manage now. also you cut me completely out of your life and the simple fact that you dont wish to have any contact with me at all anymore makes being "friends" on myspace seem silly. its not just you either, i am cleaning up the myspace to be more work related and less "hey i know you im going to add you." business clients and friends i actually hang out with.
I hate that im actually thinking about this to this extent, it seems creepy and clingy but that actually the opposite goal that im trying to achieve. i want to be as respectful and courteous as possible and maintain maturity. i dont know anymore. it seems the more it try and be respectful and understanding the more i feel like i get hurt. hopefully this time it works out, although i think you probably wont get that out of this, but i doubt you care at all anymore. deep breaths, inhale pink exhale blue... im doing this for my mindset not yours. i have my best intrests in mind. i do wish you the best though. i always have and i always will, but i want to be able to get the best for me too now. im important too. it took awhile for me to realize it but, my feelings are just as important as yours and i need to respect myself in every situation. I deserve to be happy just like you.
Happy 4th of July. I remember last years was a blast. I miss it, that was fun. Its the family get togethers and the holidays that remind me youre gone. i wake up and its the first thing i remember, but i get through my day now as a functional human being, its the everyday bullshit. Its the special days, my birthday, 4th of July, that i notice something important is missing, you. I dont even want to think about how weird christmas is going to be already... ugh.
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