| Current music: | the weepies - little bird |
losing
i know that a few major, minor changes, in my life wont solve all of my problems immediately. i am aware of all of my flaws, i am aware that im not perfect, I am painfully aware. Where does personal development and emotional reconstruction meet self fulfillment and when am I able to ditch horrible depression? these are questions that i feel hinder me from getting better at a faster rate. im broken, beat down, i have no money, and only a handful of friends that care. whats worse is that i feel betrayed by the last three years, to think that i would have given my life for someone that has been the center of my universe for so long, someone that forgets my b-day, only contacts me when they needs something, and doesnt care in the slightest about me, just like that, makes me sick to my stomach. Not so much betrayed but more hurt to think someone of such importance to me not even three months ago, could now take all of my secrets and fears and private details of my life with them and just leave with them all. I feel naked, exposed and defenseless to know that i allowed myself to give up a piece of me to someone else makes me feel more dumb than anything. i never do that. you practically broke down all my emotional barriers and now i feel stuff and it makes me feel more dumb for having feelings at all. I dont regret it, but i regret letting go of so much now that im left with nothing.
I want to see you. I want to call you. I dont think it will ever be enough though. Ive had all of you and any less would break my heart now, over and over again i know because its what happens everytime i see you. the hugs are never long enough, and i always want to kiss you, always. Its just been so long that i miss it. Thats why I leave you alone. Less stress on you for not having to worry about some bitch that cant get over it. I still cant comprehend how hard you can be, to just walk away from it all and believe that it didnt matter. Im a sucker tho. I think I read to much about true love and my idea of dedication and forever, is probably horribly distorted in a sad kind of hopeless romantic way. Youre doing well. In my defense I think im doing ok. you moved out and have not contacted me, just like I said was going to happen. The last time i saw you, i didnt see you at all, just a shell of what you used to be. youre not that person anymore. this person loves other people and talks to other friends, and hangs out with cooler kids, doesnt think about me, and probably is happier. there is nothing that suggests otherwise. i dont know though. youre doing an amazing job of cutting me out completely and getting on with your life. i knew you could do it.
This town is just too small for me, and for this. I thought i saw you at the bar talking up some guy the other day and it made me want to cry, then die. Im afraid to go out because I dont want to see that. Everywhere in town is some place that we have been and for having such an awful memory, i remember every single detail of every single adventure. I want to forget you like you forgot me but its hard here. you broke my heart and so has this town, countless times. there are only bad habits here including you now, because the thought of me without you crushes me to this day and i keep thinking and hoping tomorrow will be different, but its never different. its always you without me, and i always get hurt at the end of the day. I must be mentally retarded, to expect a different outcome with no good reason other than hope. the hope that all these changes will mean something to you. im over them. drugs are no big deal, drinking is nothing, hooking up with strangers, i dont think any of that is cool. i havent for awhile now. i keep reminding myself im doing lots of stuff for me and I do it and i go to bed alone and i wake up and do it again. i know im a better person but it doesnt matter. not to me. im always going to be the same person. i love love, and working towards something with someone, like im in on a plan thats bigger than just me. I love depending on someone and i love showing them they can depend on me. i dont want that with anyone else. and i know im going to be lonely. i hate it but i know it. i just dont want to be lonely so close to you. i know that you have pushed me far far away, and that right now you are the furthest thing from me, but i dont like knowing where you work or around where you live. you always feel too close at all times to stop thinking about you. i dont want to be sad because of you anymore. i hate feeling like a chump still, the only fool that cant get over it. its hard. i dont think you know to what extent this is messing with my mind, but it is.
im going to move away. im going to go far, and i dont want to ever come back. im saving up money now. i want you too much, i need you too much. i need to get away from the thought of you. im not strong enough to do it here. i will only get myself into more trouble in the process. i love you. i wish it mattered to you. i wish i could change your mind about me. i wish i had just one more chance and that you wanted to work with me for this. i dont want it to go back to the way it was, i want to be better than the way it was, i just want to be successful. a better me, and a better you...its still important to me. it will always be important to me. im just not strong enough to be here without you. fresno is bringing me down. I hope fresno is better to you than it was to me, you seem content enough but i dont know.
im tired of wishing. im tired of crying. its exhausting. i tried to stop hoping... i tried. i can change everything else in my life here but that. if thats not what you want, then i think i have to get away. you havent given me any reason to hope and like a fool i do anyways.
I was talking to Whitney today and she said that as far back as she can remember, I have always been a depressed kid. shes known me the longest and she said my outlook on life has always been glum, but thats just how i am and shes stuck it out until i feel better and shes seen me pretty bad off, but that ultimately im always ok. I dont think i got the chance to turn it around this last time, or at least i didnt think it was an issue until too late, but i know i have turned it around before and that I can do it. i will always wish for the best for you. ill always wish i was the best for you. its never enough. if youre happy now then yeah it was me. im sorry. if not, know that in my heart you will always be the best i ever had, i will always have hope, and ill never stop loving you, for as long as im alive. i know i can be better. you know it too.im going to start planning our trip to the live over on the east coast a little early, i hope you dont mind, seeing as though im going to be the only one going, i still have this dream, its still very important to me... i miss you terribly. i will go to bed hoping for a change. good night love, sweet dreams, where ever you are.
"i want you so bad its driving me mad its driving me mad..."
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