what to do
dont know what to do...about jay and, just everything. i bet u think im always depressed cuz i only write in blurty when im down but when im down is when i feel the need to write. so i love jay to death. i really do. we have so much fun together. hes the sweetest guy ive ever met by far. but i dont know if he understands me. lets look at why. ok. hes very business oriented. im very love oriented. i dont mean to be selfish but i should come first. and i know it will never be like that. especially not in this day and age. its like i should have lived back in history , way back when there were princes and princesses.
so i love jay so much even though im scared to love him. im really honestly terrified of being in love because i know that one day it could come to an end. when i give my all to someone i really give it. more then anyone else i think. most people u know, have love on the side, but its my # 1 priority. which is why its so dangerous for me. kind of like playing with fire. we're very different when it comes to a lot of things. Basically hes lived that entire college lifestyle, gotten it out of his system, i never have. i basically went from protected child to complete adult. and im not talking money wise. im talking psychologically. but he did loose his dad so you would have that to be like, what are you talking about Azzi, but, its different . how can i express how i feel to him when he hardly ever tells me how he feels about me? I have a hard enough time as it is, one of my biggeest flaws. not sensitive enough . think its like a defense mechanism ive built up all my life.
i guess it really bothers me that jay wouldn't ever marry me. which makes me wish i had never met him. because then i wouldn't have to deal with the heartbreak ill probably one day feel. i dont want him to be with anyone else. im going to be crushed when he marries someone else.
i know ur like, well why dont u just enjoy it and live in the now and have fun and be together blah blah blah. i dunno . i am. i have been. but the more time i spend with him the more attached i get, the harder it will be to let go. id be the happiest girl in the world if i ended up being with him forever. i really would . for some reason i dont see that happening. im ready, hes far from it. i wish i had met him later. but the chances of us meeting later in life are like ZERO. so i guess i got lucky to meet him when i did. ive never actually gone after a guy like i went after him. didn't think anything of it at the time but i was like BAM i want that now.
anyways back to what i was saying, i dont really know what i was saying. he really makes me happy. like so happy, and i dont smile very often now but hes the one person in the world that puts a smile on my face. i think he might be my soulmate. i really do. but i dont think i could tell him, he'd think im crazy, and boys always get scared when a girl really lets a guy know how she feels. they dont know how to handle it. so i guess ill just keep it to myself.
(Post a new comment)