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Kayti (beaches720) wrote,
@ 2004-02-20 22:46:00
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    new to this one....
    Hello. I have on online diary already, but it seems to be sucking lately, and I need to be able to vent. So I've created this one. I've been feeling very emotional lately. I really can't figure out why. I think what I need is a good long workout. Only I'm doin laundry, all my workout clothes are gettin clean. Its already almost 11. Maybe I'll work out from 11:30-12? Thats not long at all, but I have to work at 9 tomorrow, and I did only get 4 hours of sleep last night.
    Ok, so I have this boyfriend, and he's really nice and everything. But something just doesn't click. Know that connection you feel with someone? We don't really have that. I keep telling myself it will work if I give it a chance, but its been 5 monthes, and I really don't feel IT for him. Maybe it's because I'm not over my x yet. I was with him for 4 years off and on, and I'd only been not with him for a few months when I met Tim. At first it was really great with Tim, but now I feel like we're both not getting that vibe from eachother, and neither of us wants to say anything, so we're just kinda avoiding the subject completly. But it's very frustrating to me.
    A lot has changed in my life in the three years that I've been at this school. My first year here, I met the greatest group of girls, and we were all so close. I never really had a close group of girlfriends so it ment the world to me... but now between people transferring, leaving, or just blowin us off, we've dwindled to about 3 girls. And no one's as close as we were before. It's pretty depressing actually. I really feel like I have no friends anymore. Which makes it harder to be losing the boy (only cause then I really have no one).
    I just don't feel especially happy right now. I have this friend, whose parents were high school sweethearts, and they got a divorce about 8 years ago. Her mom remarried, and her dad has stayed single (clearly still in love with her mom). what if I never get over Ben (the x), and that becomes me? Cursed to be miserable because the one I'll always love more than anything doesn't love me. UGH I can't even think about it anymore. It really makes me wanna cry
    Of course my music choice right now isn't really helping matters right now "nobody said it was easy, oh its such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard..." The scientist by coldplay. Such a good song, but right now, I just don't think this song and my mood is a very good mix "tell me you love me, come back and haunt me..." See, bad for me. Ah!
    I wish my laundry would just be done already, I really need to go burn all these crazy thoughts outta my head!
    Thats what I need, a nice stress relieving workout, and then an even nicer long hot shower!
    Sorry to rant, its what I do best sometimes though!

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