| Current mood: | owwwwwww..... |
| Current music: | Gravitation - Shining Collection |
Introducing the newest Sue species... Puella avrilus. The Avril-Sue!
Credit goes to Deleterius for spotting this painful Sue.
What is it with Lord of the Rings and bad Mary Sues, anyway?
Title: No Way Back
Author: Losing grip
Fandom: Ring? What ring? Lord of the Rings
SCORES:
PLOT: 1/5 (what little plot there is turns out to be a train wreck)
CHARACTERIZATION: 3/5 (the majority of the LotR characters are actually in character... but gods.. the Sue...)
TECHNICAL: 3/5 (grammar and spell check were once again actually run on this document.. but that saves it not from the purple prose and the song lyrics everywhere)
WANGST-FEST: 10/5 (wangst, wangst, and more wangst just to be different)
I like to start out with introductions and author notes, as kind of a way to set the tone for my reviews. That, and if you can't parse the author's disclaimer and introduction, you're pretty much screwed from the start when it comes to this sort of thing. Without further ado:
She was a sk8er girl, the world wasn't good enough for her
A/N: Finally! My new fanfic. This is the story of Candie, a very depressed 15-year-old girl who runs away from home because her life is a mess. I'm sure a lot of people can recognize themselves in Candie's story. This story is much more my style than "Miracles Happen", so please give it a try, especially if you liked "From Fiction to Reality" which has been banned for illegal content.
Warning: Candie's life is kind of like a musical comedy! Well, musical tragedy, actually. So there are a lot of songs in this fic. After "FF2R", I just couldn't do a fanfic with no songs. "FF2R" had a lot of Avril Lavigne songs in it. And there are no songs in "Miracles Happen", so.
Disclaimer: I own Candie, Angel, Maddie, Josh, and everybody else. But unfortunately I own none of the Lord of the Rings characters. (I would have loved to own Legolas! But Tolkien's got him.)
Well. enjoy! And please R/R!!!
There's so much I could say about this right off the bat... I mean, if a story is banned for "illegal content" then you should re-think your writing style just a tad bit don'tcha think? Also... Avril Lavigne is just not that great, boys and girls. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera have more talent than Avril, and that's saying something since I'm not too thrilled with either of them at the moment. (Though, I will concede that if they manage to mature in their careers they might yet follow in Madonna's footsteps.. I <3 Madonna.) Musicals are also very hard to do and have them be entertaining, period. For a clever, funny musical, check the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I liked it.. the first time I saw it. But that's a personal issue.) and skip this fic.
Anyway, we open with the Sk8er Gurrrrrrl running away from home because her report card sucked and her dad "crossed the line" (given the melodramatic angst seeping from every word of this fic, he probably grounded her until her grades improved, but that's neither here nor there). As she's throwing all her worldly posessions into her skateboard bag, she finds a necklace that she stole from her ex her ex gave her. She then starts wondering why she dumped him. Dude, if you're not sure, then you probably shouldn't have done it...
That's just why. He was overprotective. He was treating her like she was a girl. OK, so she WAS a girl. But she was a tough cookie. She was a skater girl. Spending most of her life at the skatepark. She and Josh were from two different worlds. He simply didn't understand her. Didn't understand who she was deep inside.
Yeah man, because, leik, sk8er gurrrls are leik so d33p!!11!
The dread disease of NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME WAAAAH is spreading, by the way.
Anyway, Avril Sue Candie does some random angsting about how her father has this girlfriend who is "all bubblegum" and about how her dead mom is a taboo subject around the house, and she "didn't have a photograph of her, either." Who wants to bet that the Dead Momma is going to be an elf and/or Valar and/or Important Middle Earth Figure X's daughter?
Oh, and let's not forget Candie's tragic past:
A lot of things had happened in that house. Mostly bad. Her dad yelling at her. Her dad beating her. Her dad bringing his numerous girlfriends over. Her dad drinking and using drugs.
Her trying to do her homework. Her crying at night. Her trying to understand how come her life was always such a mess.
Yeah man. Because we all know that drug users and child abusers won't get caught if they stay in one spot for over a decade, man. This plot device that injects unneccessary wangst into a character's backstory is degenerate, really. If you're going to put elements that mind-blowing into a character's past, please at least have it affect they way they act, instead of making them yet another Teen Clothing Group Clone with a case of NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME WAAAAH.
Candie's world was at the skatepark. When she wasn't in school or at home, you always knew you'd find her at the skatepark. Skateboarding was her life. Her world. Nothing else mattered much to her.
She pushed open the door of the bank and headed straight for the automatic guichet. She put in her bank card. She clicked on "Credit". The screen showed her "$519.74". Candie took $500 from her bank account and left.
Yeah man, Candie's so into the sk8er world that she can't even work a MAC card.
First of all: if her dad was that horrible and mean he probably wouldn't have helped her get a bank account and/or bank card in the first place, let alone arranged for a slacker who skates all the time to have over 500 smackers in the account. Secondly, when you use a MAC card that is solely a debit card, there are only TWO options: SAVINGS or CHECKING. Savings pulls the money from your savings account, checking from your checking account. Most people don't get MAC cards unless they have a checking account as well, but there are a few exceptions to this rule. You can't use the CREDIT option unless you have one of those cards that's a combination debit/credit card.
If you have one of those Visa Check Cards that's becoming so popular, you do not have an active CREDIT function. All money is pulled from your checking account.
Continuing on:
Candie goes to Random House Address X with 500 dollars cash on her, and considering the mention of a subway she managed to actually carry a bunch of cash around in the Big City in the small hours of the morning without getting mugged. I submit that this Sue needs no more evidence to condemn her.
Random House Address X turns out to belong to another random OC named Maddie. (Where is the author getting these names?) Candie whines to Maddie for Maddie to fix all her problems and make it better. Candie then decides to go to some place named T.O. (don't look at me) and leaves not long after she arrives.. but not in the normal sense.
The Random OC's decide to go do some weird magical ritual to send Candie to whatever realm she was dreaming of and get her out of their hair. Candie just happened to conveniently be dreaming of Middle Earth... movie-verse style... and when she gets transpoted the sofa she's sleeping on gets sent to.
Who else is having Hitchhiker flashbacks? Of a certain couch? And Paleolithic Ford Prefect?
Anyway, it doesn't take long for the Sue to encounter the native wildlife:
All of a sudden, she heard a male voice say: "Do not attempt to move! Or I'll shoot you!"
Candie froze. She was really scared now. What the hell was going on? The voice didn't sound like Bruce's. She had to think fast. 'I'm in some forest for some random reason and now I'm being attacked by who-knows-what.' Candie's thoughts went 300 miles a nanosecond.
She raised her hands in the air, as if to surrender.
The next thing she knew, she was seeing two blonde males standing in front of her. They were both pointing sharp arrows at her. The scariest thing was that they were wearing tunics and leggings and funny-looking shoes Candie couldn't find a name for. What's more, they had pointy ears.
Candie had a flashback from her dream of the night before. Could they be.. Elves?!
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" one of the blonde men asked her.
"The question is who are YOU," Candie shot back, dropping her arms down. She remembered she could defend herself. "And put down those bows and arrows."
The blonde guy looked surprised, but nevertheless repeated the question: "Who are you and where do you come from? I'm not putting the arrow down before you answer me."
Candie laughed out loud. The best thing in this kind of situation was to keep cool and not show the enemy she was afraid. "Do you think you scare me?" she asked coolly. "One false move and I'll punch your lights out. That goes for the two of you." The men were clearly astonished now. "DID YOU HEAR ME?" Candie screamed. "Put down the arrows before I hurt you!"
I think that just speaks for itself. Yeah man.. I'll puhnch0r u 0ut! Never mind that whole "I have no farking clue where I am and you're so much better armed than I am..."
Anyway, for some reason the elves don't shoot the Sue, and she decides to tag along with Legolas to the Council of Elrond. Cue the usual Tenth Walker Sue shennanigans.
Arwen appears to shove Avril Sue into a dress. Umm... was the author sleeping when Arwen showed up in riding leathers to take Frodo to safety? Elven women just don't worry about dresses being ladylike. That sorta stuff is Fundie territory.
"Alright. Well, I've brought you new dresses," Arwen said, holding out a pile of neatly folded elvish dresses to Candie.
Candie gasped and took a step back. "Dresses? What for?" she cried. "Not in a million years am I wearing those dresses! In my book, dresses are against the law. Like, they don't even register on the radar."
"But you must wear a dress while you're in Rivendell!" Arwen insisted. "Your clothes are very un-lady-like. You'll look much better wearing a dress, trust me."
"MY clothes are just FINE," Candie shot back angrily. "And who made you the fashion expert around here anyway? I'm gonna wear whatever I want." With that, she rummaged around her bag and held up a navy blue tank top and dark blue jeans torn in various places. "This looks fine, doesn't it?" she asked Arwen.
Arwen looked horrified. "I'm sorry, but you can't wear that," she said in a categorical tone. "You must wear a dress."
"Damn you," Candie said. She looked around her bag some more. 'Ah, that's it, I've got it,' Candie thought. 'The perfect outfit.' She held up a white and orange tube top and a matching diagonally cut skirt (the only skirt she owned) for Arwen to approve. "What do you think of those?" she asked.
Arwen gasped in horror. "Are you sure you don't like the dress I brought you?" she asked. "I think it's lovely."
Also, just a tip for the fashion unconscious, but wearing a ton of black kohl and mascara makes you look like both your eyes have been punched. Just FYI and all.
Anyway, the sk8er gurrrrl decides to spend the morning destroying all the priceless elven architecture around Rivendell by practicing her skateboarding and repeatedly saying that skateboarding was her life. In which case, why didn't she run away to Miami or something?
Anyway, Avril Sue falls into the river because she was up on the railing near the water like an idiot. Aragorn saves her ass. Avril Sue proceeds to wangst some more about how her life sucks.
The sky opened up. The clouds were crying for Candie. Water poured from the sky. It was swallowing her up. For the second time that day she felt the cold water on her body... Her clothes were soaked wet... She knew it was dangerous to skate on a wet ground but she didn't care.
The rain washed away the mascara. Washed away the tears. Washed away Candie's thoughts. There was she and there was her skateboard and that was it. The river was going crazy under the rain. The river was crying, too.
Wow.. empathic bodies of water. Now that's something you don't see every day.
As you can see, there's not a whole hell of a lot to this fic. It's mostly wangst and sk8er nonsense, only it takes place in Middle Earth and is therefore fanfic. Riiiight.
Continuing on, Avril Sue of course falls off the railing that she was skating on like an idiot and hurts herself. Who saw that coming? **coughs** And of course, since she'd neglected to bring proper safety equipment she lands on her head and makes everyone automatically worried about her. Shoot me, please. Anyway, the head injury somehow provokes the Sue into dying her hair purple. Then she meets the hobbits, who just showed up in order to advance the plot, basically. Seeing Frodo on the morning of the 24th freaks her out, and somehow this leads to her joining the Fellowship. Riiiiight.
Avril Sue also spends a lot of time getting into little catfights iwth Elrond (also known as Martha Stewart) and running away. Way to win an argument there.
Elrond ends up sending Avril Sue on the Quest to get her out of his hair. Notice how this is a recurring theme in this story. It should tell you something.
"YESSS!" Candie shouted, jumping up and pumping her fist in the air. "Player Van Allen takes the pass, goes around the net and SCOOOOORES!!!" She was just too proud of herself for shutting Elrond up. She wanted to laugh but didn't. She wanted to savour her victory.
"Hum," Elrond said, clearing up his throat, "I think it would take one more person to make the Fellowship complete. Candace," he said.
"WHAT?" Candie yelled back as her head jerked up, revealing her eyes for the first time since the Council started. They were full of hatred. "What do I have to do with anything? And anyway, aren't there supposed to be nine people, since there are nine, ugh... ring-wraiths?"
"We're making an exception so that you could enjoy and benefit from this experience," Elrond told her.
Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir gasped, probably thinking this was just a mean, cruel joke from Elrond's part. Candie narrowed her eyes and said: "I'm not going, Elrond. You can't make me."
"Well, in that case you won't be staying here anymore. Nothing makes me keep you here," Elrond replied.
Candie was mad. What was she going to do? "I can pay rent!" she cried desperately.
Elrond just laughed. "I don't need your money. This is the end of the discussion. You'll be joining the Fellowship. Period."
Candie felt like crying. Everybody else, except for Merry and Pippin, looked quite shocked. Candie didn't know what to say or do so she grabbed her skateboard and ran off, not wanting anyone to see her tears.
This causes Avril Sue to go completely nucking futs. I'll spare you the details, except that random acts of violent suicidal tendancies combined with Pussy!Arwen make for... well... OMGWTFBBQ.
Anyway.
Fellowship heads out.
Avril Sue wangsts.
Avril Sue does Dumb Sk8er Gurrl tricks.
Avril Sue wangsts more.
Fellowship tries desperately to hold back rising urges to kill.
Avril Sue says "I told you so!" repeatedly.
Avril Sue then fumes about it. And wangsts more.
Avril Sue then shows off her SKATEBOARD-FU. And then wangsts because no one appriciates how great her Skateboard-Fu is.
See Avril Sue get attacked by imaginary BLACK BUBBLES OF DOOM.
See her wangst about it.
She closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them, she was seeing bubbles. Again. 'No, this couldn't be,' she told herself. 'I'm strong. I will fight them.'
Candie tried to pretend the bubbles weren't there. They weren't quite as big and dense as the previous time. 'I'll chase them away mentally,' she thought. 'They'll see that I don't care, and maybe they'll leave.'
The bubbles were trying to swallow her up, but she wouldn't let them. She was strong.
See the author randomly decide to make the fic based on the books midway through, after declaring that the fic will be based on the movie. See the readers scratch their heads in confusion.
Finally, see Avril Sue completely screw up LotR canon by becoming one of those damn crusading Sues, and committing suicide.
Hello people? Important plot point? Quasi-Christian resurrection plot? GANDALF-THE-FRICKING-WHITE??
"Go, Candace!" Gandalf shouted. "This is beyond anything you've ever imagined in your worst nightmares! None of you can face it!" He banged his staff on the stone bridge in emphasis.
Candie held back her tears. Did she really want to do the thing she was about to do? No, not really. She didn't exactly want to die. But she had no choice. It was either her or Gandalf.
"Gandalf, go!" Candie cried. "I'll do it."
She was determined. She was ready for it now. Ready to face the end.
All I can say is that at least the sue is dead....
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 | The Secret to Avril Sue's Purple Hair
(Anonymous)
2006-09-20 19:51
(link) |
*raises eyebrow* Hair dye? No, she can't do that. She's probably an animagus.
The first Avril Sue ever to bring Harry Potter powers to Middle Earth.
God, why couldn't they have just shot her?(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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