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By your powers combined...
Heeeeeeey! **pokes community** Are you guys still alive over there?
I have Sci-Fi and Fantasy Sues to thank for this gem.
Title: Eve of Destruction
Author: OrangeGirlExplosion
Fandom: Captain Planet
SCORES:
PLOT: 2/5 (Even the characters are confused)
CHARACTERIZATION: 4/5 (The Sue is the only character who is really whacked out, but the other have their moments)
TECHNICAL: 4/5 (Grammar and spell check was actually run on this piece. There are some minor errors preventing it from getting a perfect score, but very good overall.)
UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY GOLD MINE: 5/5 (OMGWTFBBQ!!?!???!?1111??!one!??uno?!!)
We start this loveliness out with the usual "It's quiet.. too quiet" routine.
Earth had been strangely peaceful for the Planeteers. They were supposed to be resting and relaxing, but they could not. It was just too quiet. Dr. Blight hadn't made any attempt on their lives. Looten Plunder was in the courtrooms after some videos came across some policeman's desk. Sly Sludge was still sorting out the huge garbage dump he made the last time and Duke Nukem was laying low somewhere.
For the Captain Planet retarded, Dr. Blight is some mad scientist chick who likes to experiment on Cute Fluffy Animals and has a computer assistant named MAL who has the hots for her. Looten Plunder is as his name suggests-- a poacher and smuggler. Sly Sludge is the trash dumping dude who likes to make big messes. And Duke Nukem is radioactive and is bent on causing a nucler winter because he digs power plants.
Likewise, the Planeteers are: Kwame (element of Earth), Wheeler (Fire), Gi (Water), Linka (Wind) and Ma-Ti (Heart). Gi and Linka are the girls, and each is a from a different continent. (Africa, North America, Asia, Euope, and South America, respectively.. because nobody cares about Australia, and I don't think they wanted a pengiun Planeteer...) They stop eco-terrorists with magic rings, given to them by Gaia, the spirit of the Earth. (who has nothing to do with Gaia theory, sorry) When they combine powers, they get Captain Planet, who makes a lot of wisecracks and kicks butt unless exposed to some form of pollution, in which case the Planeteers have to bail out his blue ass.
Got it?
Anyway, the quiet is soon broken (who saw that coming? **raises hand**) by a.. get this.. giant mechanical bull that has a smoking engine and is burning Random Town X to the ground.
To elaborate:
The planetvision went off like a bat shrill and immediately brought up the disaster. There was a giant mecha monster in the form of a bull ripping through a town. Smoke was coming from the snout and polluting the air. The mouth would open spray fire over the area burning everything. The horns shot lasers out at the opposing forces that dared to stand against it.
Okay, I could see the planet-vision going off if it was like, the rainforest or some other ecologically important area.. but honestly I think the National Guard could handle the giant mechanical bull just fine on its own. As it is, the Planeteers all pull a Batman and rush off to the scene..
" To the Geo-Cruiser!" Gi cried.
The bull, it turns out, is an elaborate deathtrap desgined especially for Captain Planet, courtesy of Dr. Blight and MAL. There's no other goal, they just want to kill Captain Planet.
I maintain that a well-placed piece of artillery could probably take care of the problem without superhero intervention, but I digress.
The Geo-Cruiser was making it's way to the city that was peril because of the attack from Dr. Blight. They could not let the mad scientist hurt any more people than she already had. It was their job.
" There it is!" Ma-ti cried; spotting the large bull machine in the city.
" Oh my! That ugly thing is going to hurt those people!!" Linka cried.
So, as the bull destroys the City of Townsville, Miss Russian Badass can only come up with "Oh my! People are going to get hurt!" I'm sorry, but considering Linka's temper is almost as firey as Wheeler's, I would think that she would be the first one trying to do some ring magic. As it is, Kwame makes one lame earthquake attack on the bull before the Geo Crusier is shot down with (wait for it) a cloud of smoke.
Yes the Geo Cruiser is solar powered... but it is demonstrated several times in the show that it does posess batteries. And last I checked it takes more than smoke to clog a jet's air intake, though considering I am not an aerospace engineer I could be mistaken.
Captain Planet is summarily called. Somehow, through his Amazing Psychic Powers, he knows that Dr. Blight is running the machine, even though it wasn't revealed to the Planeteers. Whatever. His dialouge is actually 100% in character, with lines like:
" Whoa! Smokey the bull!" He said coughing.
" Time for me to brand this bull!" Planet said dematerializing in front of them. (this said shortly before he punches it in the ass)
" Don't go BULListic Blight! It's just fire!" Planet said laughing.
I think you get the picture.. There are several more bad bull puns, have no fear. @_@
Anyway, Dr. Blight manages to corner Captain Planet and is just about to do him in (as in most other episodes of the show) when... Mysterious Spainish-Speaking Person X shows up.
" Hey! What's that?!" Gi cried pointing upwards.
Above them, was a person hovering. They had been watching the whole fight. They looked to be interested in what was going on now.
" Who is that? And how is it possible they can fly?" Ma-ti said.
Before any of them could make any moves or ask any more questions, the person made their move. They turned into a flaming silhouette and flew towards the charging bull. They went through the horns and removed Captain Planet from his imprisonment against the wall. Setting him down on the ground, they stood up to glare down the robotic bull.
" Who is that?!" Dr. Blight asked.
The person who saved Captain Planet flew up towards the bull head and glared inside at Dr. Blight.
" Usted lio con mi padre, usted con lio mi." They said.
Mystery Fireball X then proceeds to turn the bull into charcoal. Never mind that it's made of metal, and any heat hot enough to disable the machine would have turned Dr. Blight into crispy critters (don't worry, she survived). The fireball is revealed to be a girl.. and.. (wait for it) Captain Planet's daughter!
That's right. A Captain Planet Sue. Perhaps of the P. mixta impossiblis or the P. shattercanonica breeds... Most likely a crossbreed of both. (Thanks to The Guide to the Sue in the Field for identification references)
Anyway... the Mary Sue (known as Evangelion Planet...) proceeds to go postal on the Planeteers because for some reason they have something to do with her family. I'll let the fic explain:
" Stupid American! You're the reason my family is falling apart! And whether or not you believe me is not my problem! You are!!" She shouted.
" We don't even know you! How can we cause you a problem?!" He shouted back.
" My name is Evangelion Planet! And Planeteers are my enemy!!" She shouted; her eyes going white.
Riiiiight. Uh-huh.... Continuing on, Evangelion (is anyone else getting mental images of EVA 01 about now?) tries to crash the Geo Cruiser. Captain Planet helps them get away. Evangelion, who was supposedly supposed to be saving her family, if dialouge indicates, turns on her father (OMGWTFBBQ?!!?!!11?!) and declares war on everybody. Right.
Even the Planeteers are extremely confused about this Sue:
Everyone was waiting for their hearts to stop beating so fast and their adrenaline rush to end. That was certainly a wild experience. Some girl from out of nowhere claimed to be the daughter of Captain Planet and tried to kill Wheeler, plus all of them. You would think if she were telling the truth, she'd be a little less violent.
It's eventually decided that Gaia has to solve this, and Captain Planet retires. Guess fatherhood don't sit too well with our favorite wisecracking eco-hero.. Not that going to Gaia helps very much.
Not too soon after the attack of Evangelion, the Planeteers reached Hope Island. The shock had almost worn off yet. All they could think about was that Evangelion was a force to be reckoned with. She made it clear that she did not like the Planeteers and she had no problem going through her father to get what she wanted done.
Gaia was standing in the Planetvision chamber waiting on the Planeteers' return. She had seen what had happened and they could tell she heard what Evangelion had said. When the Planeteers walked in, the slight shock was apparent on her face.
**snerk** EVA attack...
Somehow, Evangelion manages to get past Gaia's all-seeing all-knowing ness and into the Crystal Chamber (sorta like the Planeteer Batcave, for the CP-retarded). Gaia decides that yes, Evangelion is her and Captain Planet's daughter (I'm not even going to go there) and that she's from the glorious future year 2000 future. The exposition that's supposed to explain everything only makes for snickering and confusion instead:
" Quite the shock isn't it? Well that's not my problem. That's yours. And to be honest, ya'll gots tres kids. Me es, Evita y Eva-Marie(It's me, Evita and Eva-Marie). Y un hijo en la manera(And a son on the way.)." She said.
" Is that Spanish? Why do you speak Spanish?" Linka asked.
" Es mi idioma nativo(It's my native language)." She said shrugging.
" But Cap's not Spanish." Wheeler said.
" He doesn't have to be. I am Puerto Rican. Evita is Japanese and Eva-Marie is Southern." She said.
" How did that happen?" Kwame asked.
" Them made us, ask them." She said carelessly.
So.. all we learn is that Evangelion is from 20 years in the future. That, and for people who are supposed to be ethnic, they all have names that aren't found anywhere in their respective cultures... Then she tries to kill the Planeteers. Again. For no documented reason. But the Planeteers have a guess:
" Wait a minute. Gaia and Captain Planet are her parents. That means that something is happening in the future between them!" Kwame said.
" Like what?! Those two are pacifists." Wheeler said.
" They are now, but add 20 years and 4 children, plus the eco-diasters." Gi said.
" And the fact that we have to call Captain Planet when we need help." Linka said.
" That's got to be hard to deal with all at once. Maybe they fight and she's scared that her family will fall apart because Captain Planet is not there." Ma-ti said.
" That's it! Eve's afraid that her family is going to break up over us. So she goes back to the past to assassinate us now!" Wheeler said snapping his fingers.
**boggles**
Wow. Who knew that kids from the glorious future year 2000 the future would really use their demigod powers to do something that.. well... stupid. I mean... Couldn't Evangelion there have kidnapped a marriage counselor or something?
Also, in one of the characteristic little typo effects, we have Wheeler humping. **snerks** Hump Wheeler! Hump!
Then the Planeteers get a call from none other than Hoggish Greedly, whose mama must have been a pig because he looks like one. (I'd been wondering where he'd gotten off to, actually...) Greedly is being attacked by none other than Psycho Planet, and begs the Planeteers to come save him. Being nice goodie-two-shoes that they are, they do so even though it's an Obvious Death Trap.
Captain Planet shows up just in time to save Greedly's lard-filled ass, and once again tries to find out just what Evangelion has been smoking:
** This has nothing to do with you Dad. If you leave, I won't be forced to hurt you. ** She said via telepathy.
** If I really am your father, then you know I can't do that. ** He replied.
** I have no problem going through you Dad. It's for you that I'm doing this. ** She said.
** And this helps me..? ** He trailed.
** You wouldn't understand now. But I have to do what must be done. I'm doing this to save all of us! You have 30 seconds to get out of here before you become an obstacle too. ** She said.
Dude, don't you know I want some drug use is bad?
Anyway, Evangelion and Captain Planet have it out again.. and then Captain Planet from the glorious future year 2000 future appears!
" WHAT do you think you're doing time traveling?!! You know you're prohibited from it! And you know how dangerous it is! You could have ended up anywhere and had no way to get back! What do you think when you do something like that?!! There is nothing in the world strong enough to make you that drunk!! And there's not enough marijuana in Miami to get that high!! You realize I had to let an eco-terrorist get away to get you?!" He shouted again.
Way to go with the parental skills. Anyway... Father and Daughter have one of those Squishy Make-Up Talks TM. All becomes right with the world once again, and Captain Planet gets a nifty belt buckle with which he can summon his psycho daughter from the future whenever he needs help, sorta like the plot device that enables Chibi-Usa to keep showing up in Neo-Queen Serenity's past...
And we end with this:
And so the past is saved from the vengeance of the future. All is well as could be expected. Everyone was back to normal and the earth was still safe. Everyone was resting peacefully.
" AAHHHHH!!!! HEELPPP MEEEEE!!!!!!"
Well, almost everyone.
" I got you hot American!! Come back here!!!!" yelled an enraged Captain Planet; chunking fireballs.
" Calm down Cap!! I didn't mean it! I meant she was attractive! Pretty!" Wheeler shouted back.
" When I'm done, you'll be pretty burnt!!"
Conclusion: This gets the UNINTENDED COMEDY GOLDMINE stamp. A check of both author profile and summary proves that this fic was written earnestly, but.. well.... OMGWTFBBQ! A must-read for anyone who has fond memories of a blue guy in red underpants saving the world from some of the goofiest villains of all time.
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