| Current mood: |  hopeful |
| Current music: | How's it gonna be - Third Eye Blind |
Have you ever realized that you are no longer what you want to be, but yet you are an image of what everyone else thinks you should be?
I looked in the mirror yesterday and realized that I lost a sense of who I was before all of this came into play, before the fame. I've met some amazing individuals through my experience, but if I could do it again - and take some people back with me - I would. Because this....isn't cutting anymore. I just have this incessant need to return to where I came from, to be with family, something to keep me grounded from the highs and lows of the rich and famous. Even though I'm rich and not even nearly famous anymore.
I thought about running away to gather my thoughts, going back to LA. I thought about going to Nova Scotia and getting lost in the scenery. I thought about going a lot of places to get away and start over. Then I realized running away from your problems isn't the answer. Then I realized I couldn't face my problems because they ran away on me. So saving what's left would take....more than I think he has and definitely more than he wants to give. And what upsets me more than anything is that I gave up everything to be with him. I gave up my house in LA, I gave up the comforts of home in Orlando, I hurt a great guy. But I suppose the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward - if you reach that point. And something faltered somewhere. The risk was all there with no rewards.
I found myself quickly calling an old friend and apologizing senselessly. She told me it was alright and then I asked her a favor - to watch Spanky for me. I told her I'd pay her, she said she didn't need the money that she'd do it for free. So thank you for that.
I then met up with another old friend. Well, not necessarily 'old' seeing as if we haven't been friends since diapers or anything. But old as in we haven't talked in ages. They invited me to their home and I gladly accepted. And when I saw this person, and the flood of memories came rushing back though my mind, I didn't feel so lost anymore. Everything was so natural and almost....flawless in their presence. I didn't have to pretend, I was me and to them, that was more than okay, more than enough. Feeling normal again made me realize that someone who makes you feel like you're never right, that you're never worth it isn't what I want and for the past two months, it's been a feeling running rampant in my mind. Like I said before, he doesn't want to fix it. I've given him the chances time after time. And like I told myself - after tonight, things will never be the same.
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm gonna miss
I wonder How it's gonna be
When you don't know me
How's it gonna be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be
When there's no one there to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammock by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty
I don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it gonna be when it goes down
How's it gonna be
When you're not around
How's it gonna be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it gonna be
Wanna get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it gonna be
When you don't know me any more
How's it gonna be
How's it gonna be
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