|Current music:||Nine Inch Nails - "The Perfect Drug"|
Why oh why...
Whenever I'm around Chelsey it's like I fall under a horrible, inexplainable spell. And that spell, no matter how horrible or confusing it may seem, stirs the most wonderful, intense, and beautiful feelings I've ever experienced.
She's so intoxicating.
I don't know why, but I can't help it. I can't help but admit to myself that I'm still completely, madly, and ridiculously in love with her. And it's taken enough courage to admit that to myself, much less post *anything* like this on my LiveJournal for the world to see...for her to see. -_-
Heh, the only thing I can do is laugh at it all. Laugh at how hard I've tried to get over her for the past few months...laugh at how the harder I try to fall out of love, the more it sucks me in...laugh at how my feelings for her toss me around like a pathetic, weak ragdoll.
But she's so intoxicating.
Honestly, truthfully, it's impossible for me to hate her, or hold any amount of animosity toward her at all. Virtually impossible. Heh.
Like Rag said a few days ago, "you're still hooked on that Chelsey chick? She likes to rip your heart out and throw it at things." I had to snicker at that, because it is partially true...or used to be. I mean, she never intentionally did that, but it still happened...a lot.
But now I've sworn off all feelings for her in public. I've told everyone, including her, that I've grown out of loving her, and I'll never go back. That is so far from the truth. LOL. And even though by telling her that, I loosened up all the anxiety and tension between the two of us, I now have to bottle up my true feelings, and hope they die of asphyxiation. -_- It's horrible...but necessary, I suppose. Because as much as I would like it for she and I to work out, I don't think we'll ever be able to. I don't think she'll ever share my feelings... And that really, really, really sucks, but as long as I can be close to her, and be the most important person in her life...then I'll survive.
Like I said, she's so intoxicating. The Perfect Drug. She's totally like a drug, heh. I try to quit, and I succeed...temporarily. But as soon as I get near the drug, I'm hopelessly addicted once again. And I'm not going to pretend I hate it. I love it. I love her. And I can't live without her. Just like an addict can't live without their drug.
Every embrace, every word, every touch, every moment she pays remote attention to me is complete euphoric ecstasy. It's like...when I look into her eyes, everything is okay. As cliched as that sounds, it's true. I could drown myself in her eyes, and die a peaceful, satisfying death. She could be fat, anorexic, ugly, beautiful, anything. She could have no legs, no arms, handicapped, anything at all. I would still love her. As long as I can stare into her eyes and hear her soothing, soft voice, I will always love her. And I will always be willing to do absolutely anything for her. If she asked me to take my own life, take someone else's, die a horrible, painful, fiery death just for her, I would do so in the blink of an eye. If she walked up to me one day and slit my throat, my last words would be apologizing for bleeding on her... Being around her is like wandering into a dream. I can't believe I've ever even thought of messing up the already wonderful relationship we have. I can't believe I've ever intentionally crossed her, or made her feel one ounce of sadness. I curse, curse, curse myself a thousand times over for that. And frankly, I'm never going to do it again. I can gaurantee you that.
I sound like such an obsessed goon right now... LOL. I think this is the first time I've really put into words how much she means to me, and how much I love her. I'm sick of pretending, though. I'm sick of acting like I'm over her, and have moved on. No more games. No more. I can't lie to myself, or try to force myself to do something that is so opposite of what I truly feel. I just can't do it anymore. That's where all the pain is coming from in the first place. It's not Chelsey; it's my inability to be true to my own feelings and accept them for what they are.
Maybe she will read this one day. Maybe she will stumble upon this distant, obscure journal I only post things I mean for no one to read. Maybe one day she'll read this, and realize she loves me, too. What a fairytale ending that'd be. ^_^
But one can only dream. And dreaming is what I'll do. Because being around Chelsey is like living a dream. And I wouldn't have it any differently.
I love her more than anything...more than anything.
And that's all I have left to say. I feel a lot better now that I've laid it all out on the table. Even though I'm still scared to have finally admitted it, I'm glad I could gather the courage to finally say something about it.
But I'm off to bed now. To contemplate these words and think of...well, everything.
But if you happen to be reading this, Chelsey, no matter if it's tomorrow or five years from now, always remember that I love you. Chelsey, I love you more than life itself. And I'll always strive to make your life better.
Always remember that.
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