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Chi Chi (artspoken) wrote,
@ 2002-12-22 02:58:00
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    My inner struggle
    Sometimes I get so lost within myself. There are days when I want to run rampant,wild, carefree and to live the “good” life
    There are days when I want to cry out against the evils of this world. There’s days when I want to be a serious intellectual, nonconforming feminist, days when I would like to play up to the role as a “sexy” woman.
    There are days when I just don’t feel like getting up, and would love it if I could just crawl under the bedsheet covers and hope that the world, this dirty world we live in would just go away.
    There are days when I’m happy, happy and hopeful that maybe these are just trying times and that at the end there really is a pot of gold.
    But sometimes I can’t bear my inner struggle
    My struggle to be free, free of the selfishness, the dishonesty, and the fall of man’s society. All over the world, it’s as if morals are forgotten- no one cares- FUCK YOU- Pay me is what they seem to say.
    Friends don’t even know what friendship means any more. Silly boys sleep with each other’s girlfriends thinking that if they do this it’ll make them a bigger man.. It’s sad to see the betrayal of friends upon friends, brother against his family. Why does it feel like the longer we keep going, the world becomes grittier, harsher, and cold?

    There are days when I dare to dream, maybe I can be a painter, a designer? The next Versacci? A super soccer mom? I think not. The American dream- is that all that it is? Nothing but a dream? Rags to riches is certainly a great myth to those nonbelievers. But what about the rest of the population? Is making more than six figures a year what constitutes happiness? Who defies happiness? One person’s joy can be another man’s misery. Do I want to be swimming in money? That’s not my aspiration. I dream to live a fulfilling life. One that moves me up in society. I am not lower class, perhaps I may be in the middle. But there is one thing that I know, I was nothing, I was nobody’s child but someday I’d like to be SOMETHING and SOMEONE’S SOMETHING. That is all. I know I am special I have always known that. But I want to be a special SOMETHING and SOMEONE.

    Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, bother to fight, bother to care, bother to love when it seems as though it is never reciprocated. People always have an ulterior motive and never show their true colors. Is it so hard to just be real?
    What is everyone so ashamed of? Why disguise yourself into someone for someone else’s approval? They told me my hair is not long enough, it is not light enough, I am not tall enough, that skeletons are in and that the natural shape of a woman are out. They tell me they are happy with their lives that have no direction, have no reality, have no depth. I cannot bear to just watch the sun set and rise daily to just settle for something I am not happy with. If I had wanted to give up the fight – it is the difference between life and death. Either fight your inner and outer demons and try to be a SOMEONE or just wither and die.


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