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Arella (arella17silver) wrote,
@ 2004-01-23 23:05:00
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    Current mood: devious
    Current music:the inner dialogue of my anguished soul

    the 411 on the inner workings of my twisted thought patterns
    Well, time for an update. Dave says he is almost positive that he is going into the reserves at the end of next month. I sincerely want him to do what is best for him, even if it screws me over in the process. I guess i'm just feeling hurt and resentful, perhaps even sad. Though that is not a new emotion for me......
    If I was the type I guess I could throw all I have done for him back in his face. But, i'm not that person. I could throw back in his face all that I have endured, all that I have felt, and all I will always feel. Yet again, i'm not that person. It hurts me the most based on the fact that I sacrificed so much for him. I endured so much. He was my first for many things and you cannot erase someone like that from your mind, no matter how hard you pretend that you can. Everyone has a weakened soul inside, a fragile twinge of being cased inside the stone wall we all place as an obstacle to try to deter the unsuspecting off your trail. One day that plan might fail.
    I feel sadness as if the past few years were a timeless era that I can never return to. When things could be so good and full of fullfillment and the few positively felt emotions that are rare in my existance. No matter how strong I am or unforgiving or stone hearted....I cannot erase the fact of my sentimentality. Let's give a pause as the blistering heat of your swift blade yet again enters what is left of my hope, my heart, my love......my soul.......
    What I should be feeling is more anger. The one thing I shall forever throw in your face, the single item that though at times I play down and belittle to even myself, the one thing you will never live down that is forever branded into my mind is the fact that the one I had loved, that I had given my virginity to......the most sacred thing I had possession of.......had thrown it away treating me as no more than a whore. A physical specimen to use as you saw fit.....to degrade....to defoul.......to rip the very innocence and purity of myself as a sexual person as many had done the very same thing to me......the last remaining smoldering embers to be distinguished....by you. I had no preconceived notion that the task would be finished by you of all people.......But we learn new things everday now don't we?
    You used it as you saw fit, used me in more than a sexual sense as you saw fit.......well, rest assured I am no longer your doormat, nor anyone elses. I want to cry out with pain and frustration.....let the tears mingle with the blood down my face.....but I cannot do either...you killed that part of me that was my outlet for my pain......I can only fester and boil at this point.....place my mask high upon my face and smile when the pain of your illusive care tears a hole through what remains of who I am........your love died a long time ago, as did mine. And yet you questioned me when I yanked the control from your grasp........
    The only thing left that I can say besides the million turmoiled emotions left roiling around in the pit of my diseased stomach...or perhaps the million of anguish filled final goodbyes I have had planned to utter to you should anything like this ever happen...............but I won't do any of the such......
    My only parting words to you and anyone who dares cross my path in your manner again are this.........you can torture me, use me, defile me, degrade me, abuse me, take me for granted, anything conceivable but...

    YOU SHALL NEVER BREAK ME!



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