| Current mood: |  distressed |
| Current music: | The Matchbook Romance - The Greatest Fall (Of All Time) |
.and the war continues.
"i looked at my hands. i was holding onto the steering wheel so tightly, all my knuckles were shiny points of white, and my blinker was on, CLICK-click, CLICK-click, CLICK-click, so certain, so plain, so clear, and yet, for all its mechanical conviction, blinking me in the wrong direction." House of Leaves, p. 118
i think i've come to the conclusion that my life is a paradox of wasted time perpetuated only by my magnificient ability to waste time. and i think i came about this ability by being a waste myself. just another pattern in my life, i guess. speaking of patterns, i've gotten into this pattern of driving back and forth between duncanville and college station every few days because i've had to practice with our praise band at home for UM Army in a few weeks then come back and play for worship here on sundays. and, because i drive so much, i am proposing that they, whoever they are, put some roadside entertainment on highway 6. something i can enjoy while i'm coming and going because i've found myself, at times, just staring, straight ahead at nothing. no focusing on anything, not listening to my music...just thinking. and that's of course when the emotions kick in, and the head and the heart start bickering. it got so bad at one point, i stopped my car on the side of the road, got out, kicked the door, and then threw up. how's that for a fun drive? other than the emotions and battles that plague my everyday life, i can't even seem to find a faith within myself. i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and, i constantly find myself sitting on my balcony saying, "wow, i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and i haven't read my bible either. maybe i should do that..." but does anything happen? yep, you guessed it...not a damn thing happenes. i just continue on with my life which isn't mine to begin with. i just don't understand anything at all right now. i feel lost in a place i'm so familiar to. none of this is making any sense i bet, but thats the way things are. and, to top everything off, i still can't sleep. what sleep i get usually includes lying down at 6 in the morning only to wake up at 7 to turn over, stare at the wall, and not go back to sleep til 8, at which point i wake up at 8:30 to toss, turn and continue my sleepless, restless cycle. and it's not that i can't sleep, it's that every time i try, i get all these images and memories that infect my mind. memories that bring back all the emotions i can possibly feel. and after i go through all the memories, my heart starts in with its rambling and my head, seeing the opportunity for a fight, joins in. and at this time, too many thoughts have come into my mind so i begin thinking about everything i've thought about before, all while my heart and mind add their own color commentary. so i get up, night after night and roam around places i don't know but have so commonly seen. a town i live in, but can't find a home. i've lost all sense of what i'm talking about. maybe i can find hope somewhere else...
and now, subliminal rock lyrics in italics! yay!!
Three sleepless nights
This isn't how its supposed to be
But you are so good at taking your time
To get back to me.
I will wait for you forever,
If you would just ask me.
I thought that i could change you
But you changed me.
It doesn't feel right
Holding someone else's hand.
Together on phone line
And living at two opposite ends.
It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me,
But you're head is elsewhere, and i'm talking enough for both of us.
When will you see it's not so easy for me
And i'm eaten alive by what i hold inside.
All the things that i live with i can't easily hide
And i'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for
But you.
And although my hands are shaking
I lie perfectly still
Cause i'm determined to let myself sink down.
I know i'm buried too far down
To feel the warmth from the sun again.
Cause i'm broken when i'm open.
And i don't feel like i am strong enough.
Cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome.
And i don't feel right when youre gone away.
Can a song replace a broken heart?
Can a song replace broken love?
No.
So, i remind myself
That holding hands is so powerless.
Tonight, i don't even have the stars
To hold onto.
it's been 23 days.
i'm still sorry for this.
for everything.
J.
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