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dearest helpless (apfelkeks) wrote,
@ 2003-12-06 21:29:00
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    Current mood: awake
    Current music:No Doubt - "It's my life"

    the night has fallen down the staircase
    i dont want happiness.
    i just want to feel like im alive.
    this grave human experience emphasizes connection and trust, it depends heavily on emotion and passion. but i just realized last night that it isnt always that simple.
    and i thought, as people passed me curiously, about those warm summer nights during which i would jog in arcadia park and occasionally behind hillwood middle school, music sinking into my thoughts like aloe, with city lights strung together like it was christmas. i do not miss being lonely, i miss being alone.

    but we are always alone.
    the basic human condition is one of absolute solitude, filtered by a few plastic connections.
    i sat outside my dorm, buried my face in my arms, and cried like i was falling apart.
    i cried for you.
    but i really should not have bothered.

    you know, you are beautiful because you have not tasted tears since you left me. with the suicide dolly off your back, you are in your room, stringing your guitar, and playing a love song for that beautiful christian prom queen listening eagerly on the phone. and she is lovely. and you are jaded.
    and it is picture-perfect as the two of you hold hands and walk down the apathetic hallways, grinning at each other.

    and i am wandering the campus alone at night. holding no ones hand. not grinning.
    your ghost is walking next to me. that beautiful trace of you i hallucinated about for weeks on end over the summer, when i could not sleep or breathe.
    and we will open our mouths, wanting to break the silence, but decide that it is better than anything we have to say.

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