|Current music:||Adelayda - Dawn|
When Will I See You Again.
March 22, 2003; Jesus, Mary and fucking Joseph... How fast has the past year gone by? It doesn't feel like there's been almost twelve months since the life I once knew, came crashing down around me. That's one way of looking at it; the other... is the experience I've gained, the people I've met; the opportunities I've had. You can't measure that up; I've been to so many different places, seen first-hand how the 3rd world live. People can say they understand more than half of the worlds population are starving and suffering poverty; the keyword there being say. I've seen a minimal amount of it; and I'm yet to understand. Just being there with those people, wounded men; abandoned women... and children all hungry and desperately trying to survive, holding onto what is left of their dignity, their self-worth, their hope... it made me cry. I never cry; not over something so obscene... but it did get to me. We all say we know how lucky we are to have the things we do; noone can know. *Rubs the sleep from her eyes* Moving on, I used to be so good at keeping a journal, I'd update every day; spill my feelings into a small notebook... now I can barely sum up the words. The Academy Awards; tomorrow night, to go or not to go? This question has been hovering over my head for the last couple of months, it's not that I don't want to go... it's leaving Maddox that's the problem. Fuck the stolen dress, I'll wear anything. I attempted to ask Mike yesterday evening, before my flight; whether he and Cameron could watch over him, for that one single night. I trust the both of them, even if there are another twenty people there; I can't picture the whole bunch of them getting stoned, drunk or just plainly out of their minds. I pray Cam will agree; what's better than to have your son being looked after by Mike Einziger, Vanessa Carlton and Cameron Richardson? What am I saying, I love you all; in a way.
I've thought over this current Ryan situation for days, ever since Reese and Ava showed up, around here. I'm perfectly fine with it... I told Ry I trusted him, I do trust him. It's hard coming out of a relationship, especially when there's a child involved; Ava, whether she likes me or not, is an amazing little girl. Ry was heartbroken when he heard her say 'hate' in his direction. I'm not trying to make this easier on us all, by blaming myself... I'd rather tear myself inside than give away this relationship we have. It's more than a relationship, when we're together my mental age just plummets, I go from being an "intelligent" 27 year old, to a half-minded 13-year old. All remotely difficult in my situation, if and when Ava or Reese is around, I have to control myself into acting my age and not throwing myself at him. I've never done this before; I've always acted upon what was flowing through my mind at that moment in time. I prided myself on doing that; I want... to do that - if it'd be appreciated is the part of the net, my mind gets caught in. In no means am I letting my heart be taken away by the first man that came along, after Billy. There was always some... connection... between myself and Ryan, evident enough to the both of us; Gillian, Jon, Sean, Den'; they all spoke about the two of us... which at the time you just had to space yourself and laugh along, considering his then inseparable relationship with Reese; and my ending marriage to Jonny. I wish I could give myself to him; if only there were no current boundaries.
Maddox; is currently staring at the chicken icon in Ryan's last Stellar_ post. He keeps pointing to it... laughing and then turning back to me, I love when he does this; when without force, he hugs me... just out of the blue. Ahh, there he goes again. Christ, I'd be nothing without him. Speaking of which; I can't seem to read any recent update without talk about being pregnant or... being in love. A pregnancy is supposed to be a life-altering experience, not a fucking plague. Am I the only one that finds it strange when people update one moment; about being in "love"; and the next... claiming that they'll never find 'love' again. From my point of view; the word is tossed around way too loosely. I could be wrong. Love; these days may not include giving your heart to one person, forever. Out of the blue "I love you!" I've never said those words without meaning them... although, look at my track record of failed relationships. As soon as I arrived back in Los Angeles, the press were on the case; asking me everything from how I feel about Michael Jackson's efforts of raising his children; to how I feel about Billy's proclamation to perhaps another marriage. I swear people just expect me to fall apart alone. So he found another brain-dead woman to become involved with; he beat the system for a sixth time... big deal... best of luck, don't care; NEXT.
The trailer premiere for 'The Cradle of Life' is set for late this month; March 28th? Perhaps. Yes... definitely growing older, small case of Alzheimer?s creeping into my brain. Jan and Lloyd both told me say five times a piece? Dates just aren't important, once they have been set; things are usually put on hold for another few weeks after. The world of Hollywood, less organized than fucking Tutenkhamuns tomb... not to mention; far more dangerous. "It's a Billboard... our baby's a star!", coming from newly fangled relatives? People who never even bothered to send me a birthday card any time before 'Foxfire'. It's Vogue, dahhh-ling. Go'da Hell. Which is the time I begin to speak to myself. Always a good tip to stop writing. 'Eh, take my own advice.
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