|Current music:||Fuel - In My Hands|
"You think I would do this..."
"There is no way... I love being me; ask anyone."
So, I just rounded off watching 'Stigmata'; unbelievably amazing movie... there's so much more to it than Patricia Arquette and Demonic Possession, if that wasn't enough. I just say managed to bring my fat-ass out of bed at 8pm this evening. Billy has Maddox for the moment, the legal "battle" has yet to begin; I just don't want to have to put him through something of that magnitude at such a young age... whether Billy and I can overcome our inflated egos, act like adults and sort something out, by in no means stressful, is a question that has yet to be answered. All I can say, right about now is being without Maddy, for even two days... I just can't concentrate on anything to do for and with> myself. At least now I have Blanche... Ah, clawing at the cursor; inspiring how she can be touched by the smallest of things. If the rest of the human race played by those rules, there'd be no nuclear threats... everyone would just exist. Though, if the world was filled with peace, the situation would be entirely the same, not to mention life wouldn't be worth living; if there were no obstacles. Am I... am I making any sense here at all? Mm, thought as much, well; can't please everyone.
Incase any of you are sub-consciously working out where the fuck little Blanche came from; I suggest you look up "Reproduction". A gift from Ry. "A GIFT!!?". Indeed, un-be knowing to some; I do occasionally receive things... haven't for a very long time; in which course when he told me, he had in his possession, something for me... inside I was basically like a fucking little girl, begging to open more than one present before Christmas. Being in this relationship so soon after... everything; we have to move slowly; and in no way do I take it in my stride to act like the "ordinary" and demanding woman... all I want, or could ever ask for from him, is his love, and his trust. I can see people, beginning to wonder why or indeed how, this thing came up so "suddenly"... it hasn't been sudden; granted there was a time during filming, when I wished I hadn't felt the way I did. After all; he did have Reese and was seemingly happy--things change so quickly. Time, changes so quickly. Currently, I want nothing more than to drop my whole fucking "schedule" to spend time with him... but I can't. What, with screen tests; possible projects and taking it in my stride to ready myself for the constant promotion of 'The Cradle of Life', in late June through to August.
Yesterday, having the time to myself... was; without the heartache, enjoyable. Although a couple of months back, I was so god-damn out-going; maybe coming from being constantly on location; to socializing again, triggered something in my head. I just can't help feeling that I've lost a little of my identity; less wise-cracks, more maturity... it could be good, if it felt good... Britt and Noni are back on the scene; which is always a good thing... for me at least. Others, shall have to endure the wrath of being caught between four previously-mental deranged actresses. The one thing missing; was Mike and Cam, I've not spoken to either in one-on-one terms for over a week, it doesn't seem that long; but... they're part of my sanity. So, one of you move your ass out of the shower and... *waves fingers* call me.
Christ on crutches...
I'm nominated in three fucking categories for this weeks Stellar Awards. Admittingly; I'm beyond surprised that people actually read my updates... let alone think of them as the smallest bit of interest, after all... it's only me, practically bitching and moaning about life and how bad it is for a few paragraphs. All the same, thank you for the recognition. Oddest fear and Most Unique are just bonuses which, I might add... I am in no way afraid of someone stealing my pussy, I'm afraid of them hurting it! ...Oh yeah.
I love this extended ending; for those who haven't seen it... but have seen the movie. ( If you've never seen it; I wouldn't read on, I don't want to have spoilt anything ). So, the girl... played by Patricia; "Frankie"... does get saved, the church; as you know from the original ending were indefinitely against any proof that believing in "God" so much, could hurt someone... the Father's love for her, conquers the demon, and he walks through the fire... to save her, before she receives the last part of the 'Stigmata'; the spear. They walk out into the garden, Frankie wrapped in a sheet, being carried by Father Kiernen... wide shot, beautiful landscape; the sit firmly on a bench. Which, is where it ends... within the extended sequence; they kiss, then suddenly the blood soaks through the white cotton sheet, and she passes away. Time for tears... then, as he looks up... her spirit is wandering around the garden happy, complete with the doves... I can't say anything more other than; the cinematography and over-all beauty of the scene, made me, yeah... "me" cry.
"I thought you didn't cry..."
Yeah, well... surprise. Wait, did I just go "Joan"?
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Hey, "In My Hands" I remember way back when, you were telling me "No way, I'm not into demonic music" (laughs softly)|
Ang, look, I've grown up a lot, and you know, I don't want us fighting over our assets, or Maddox. He doesn't need that, and I'm sick of this thing between us, so let's just end this. Fuck the divorce hearings, the lawyers, all that bs...I've never been a fan, never will. We'll work it out of court, you get what you want, and Maddox can see us both equally; he doesn't need us at each others throats, you know?
Oh, and good luck with your new projects and whatever else you got going on; I always told you that you could do it, so never doubt yourself, you know you can handle it, Ang. Keep in touch.
(looks around...kneels down, picks up dirty dorito crumb off floor...eats it...looks back up)...uh...(coughs)
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