|Current music:||Dolly Parton - I Will Always Love You*|
Have you ever confused a dream with life?
...or confused your life as if it's a dream. The past few days have been filled with the feelings of each; alternating their order, but being there all the same. When someone tells you, they've never stopped thinking about you; in almost five years... the first reaction tends to be shock, not in the bad sense at all. Especially if you've thought the same, wondered what happened to them, wondered how life would have been if back then the feelings were exchanged. I'd never dream of changing them; if I could... there'd be no Maddox, and no more notches in the bed post of experience my life has added to the correlation; namingly Billy. I feel almost disturbed after telling Clea that he meant nothing more than just a friend to me. She said she could sense "it". What-the-fuck "it" is, I'm still not sure... but it's most certainly there, even if the both of us are in the same room, I can't speak for him, though to me... it's a feeling of want. Wanting that something, or someone so much, you'd do anything. This is so fucked up, a few weeks back, my mind was still on the idea of getting back with Billy, my ego and self-worth prevented that from happening... of course, I don't want to put across some image of myself being a person that would hurt someone, for gain. I'd never do that, last week with Leo; the feeling of guilt for coming between he and the current Mister DiCaprio was positively unreal. How can people be a compulsive adulterer, does it not hurt to know your pleasure is causing the one you love, pain?
Clea uttered a statement yesterday questioning love; her opinion is her own, and it's a definite plus to have ideas of your own and not follow what everyone else says. My thoughts about love; are the complete opposite... you people don't like what I'm about to ramble about? Click the fucking cross in the corner and save the both of us trouble. As many times as the heart has been scarred, you shouldn't have to put down your foot and tell yourself that you can't ever trust anyone with it, again. I've been there... many times, and by leaving the scar there the pain will continue. If you allow it to; the emotional scar can mend and heal, recovering your heart, even stronger than it was previously. No matter what you tell yourself; never say you can never love again, you allow yourself to... anything and everything is completely possible. These exact thoughts were shooting through my mind last night, along with what Ry said... "We're both crazy for you". Should I have been distraught by that... or touched?
I've never had to deal with this before; I've loved two people... but never had two loving me. As hard as I've tried to block it out of my mind, the possibility of one hating me for the decision that will eventually be made is just too big of a fucking situation. Ever the drama queen, Angelina. Last night I made that resolution; I'm using that word; because 'decision' seems too fake, I've always known--crazy and indifferent as it sounds; if you do under some circumstance still want me... I'd like to try and be with you. I don't want to have to feel like I'm in the middle anymore, I also want to give you everything... slowly. I know it's understandable to each one of us why not to rush into anything; Maddox, Billy; Ava, Reese... all relative...
Moving onto happier topics... or happier for some and d--screw it, moving on... I reverted back to my original layout; set up a couple of new icons; retrieved the tape including this song, made Maddox watch 'The Exorcist'; and lastly arranged a meeting with the Blood-sucking lawyers, and Billy about division of assets, the fuck is it with them? Tch. Thursday... 11 am, Soho; London. Ouch.
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