|Current music:||Simon and Garfunkel - Bookends|
When the past catches up, you can do nothing to stop the feelings.
Jonny has arrived around here; it's bizarre those first few moments when you see someone from your past... the feeling of what you had both lost and gained from that certain amount of time you'd spent together. When I think back a few fucking months ago. December, two whole lunar cycles forgone; tempus fugit, time flies... and it does, we all can see that. But as short as the time apart has seemed to be; I've forgotten why we both cut all contact from each other off. There could have been something there... I mean, there's always been something there, I've never had a doubt in my mind. Even after the divorce, they say your first love leaves marks on your heart, body, mind and soul. I've been disregarding that fact. I've acted stubborn, selfish and god knows what else, to almost everyone I've loved, on both an emotional level; and a sexual level. It could be a curse, or a blessing; not sure I'll ever find out.
The moment he spoke to me, today... I instantly filled myself with rage; so many feelings just flying around in my head, I couldn't control them. I had no right to just, begin to tell him not to speak to me, to "stay away". Dwelling on the past. The one thing I've lived my life, day-by-day gradually learning not to do it. It should be looked upon as a new start; a friendship... maybe kinship considering how well, we both know each other. Knowing each other so much, that even after a good three years of being apart... we still know what ideas are circling inside the both of our minds. My father always used to look down at me, for that; I married someone I knew... my heart was with; though the relationship was only for the both of us, noone else could share that bond we had. I know I'll never be able to have that again. Who knows if it was true "fairy tale" love; if Lust is all it was... then; that word shouldn't ever be used so loosely.
Do you wanna come inside my house, Do you wanna show me things I've never seen before. I don't wanna tie you down, I just wanna tie you up. Do you wanna come inside my house?
Things are different, now. I have space in my heart for Maddox, above all people... but it can be shared. Not necessarily with Jonny; Billy... if a new love ever came around; and believe me, I've had so much time to think about this... I do know, that the limit of love one person can have for another; or even more than one thing. I'd never thought about it, until it had clicked during the second space of time I'd been away from him. Noone knows what tomorrow may bring, on the positive side or the negative. A couple of days ago; Billy, not that I blame him... but; I had no appreciation of his theory. When I was younger, I admit my heart didn't matter; I had more than enough encounters with sex and violence to last any human a lifetime. I'm human. What was it you'd spoke of? "All those men...". Five in a lifetime, Three I've loved, Two I gave my heart, the others were just part of growing up; and there weren't many if you compare numbers to that of a lot of, even fucking sixteen year olds, now. Whatever, though... you're entitled to your own opinion... I'll leave your mistakes to you, and keep my end of the divorce...
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aero planes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W. H. Auden
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