|Current music:||Blondie - One Way or Another|
I'm now typing...
I took a good friends advice, and instead of sitting at the computer, staring back and forth from the keyboard to the large, white box I've opted to sit with a pencil and a notepad torn from an old organizer, as if I've ever used that fucker anyway. A busy life shouldn't have to be recorded and scheduled for the next year, will we be alive this time next year? Chances are, someone's life could change forever while we follow those slow regimes. At that point, I was sick of holding the pencil and getting wrist cramp. Who gives a shit about the BAFTA parties, socializing is a good thing, I'm not putting it down. Sitting outside on the balcony of the hotel room; listening to the silence of the night... Maddox inside calmly breathing as if nothing would stir him, the sound of a train from a couple of miles away, came and went quickly. It filled me with a lot of nostalgia... ten years ago, I had no direction in my life; I mean I knew what I wanted to do... what I've always wanted to do, acting is everything to me. My father, was permanently there hovering above both James' and my heads, his success, his ego; as far as he was concerned... neither of us were to get anywhere past a dead-end desk job. That just can't happen if you're filled with a passion for something, you shoot for that goal and stay strong... nothing will ever be able to stand in your way. I believe that, didn't then... but I do now, with my whole heart.
The BAFTA event was, in a word? Pumped. The atmosphere was treble charged, like that of an Academy Award event, 1998 was the last time I'd been to the event. How times can change, the carpet filled at both sides with reporters and press. Just begging for something to steal that one "red carpet moment". Small-town reporters, big telecasters... they were all there, I've witnessed these things so many times, but the pressure felt mounted, maybe it was because I'd arrived on my own? Who's to tell... at least those fucks had a field day with rumors of my 'laser-surgery'. Couldn't you see the fuckin' blush above the serpent? They only see what they want to see, can't blame them. It's their job, something like that. I did spend some time with Nic Cage, (which of course... started more rumors), I haven't seen that bald fuck for so damn long, too damn long. If I had the chance, sure... I'd fuck him in a second, but that's only in my mind. I wouldn't bring my body to do it, not with my son in close-vicinity. Renee and Catherine are so hilarious; high-spirited people, I think I was the only person in this entire Universe, that didn't know Cath was pregnant. Still... not too keen on Douglas, or "Mr. Zeta-Jones". They're happy, which is what matters. Nicole Kidman, never ceases to amaze, either. She and I spent a lot of time in my hotel room, listening to some old fuckin'... punk music. You know, real punk, Sex Pistols? Oh yeah. We spoke a lot about the Grammy's, since they were on the same night, British TV didn't air them. We had a few drinks... bonded so well, you know when you have someone that you can just pull aside and say something to, and you know you'll not be judged?
Billy... called a little later, said something about not really knowing anything about me. Which in a way, upset me. I thought we knew everything about each other, from Peanut Butter and Cheerio fetishes, so bodily functions. Can't always be the case... I just wish he'd told me, what it is about me that he feels he doesn't know. I was fuckin' sure he knew more about me, than me. Even if we're separated, even if one of us died tomorrow, I'd like to keep the honesty.
In the hotel, I'd came across young Leo. I say young, when he's actually a year older than me, is it? He has the teen idol ism about him, the aura of someone who has been on this earth a lot longer than 28 years, though. For someone I'd never actually thought about having a conversation with. What would the "people" think of that... me; Angelina Jolie... "rebellious, misguided youth" corrupting the soul of a "young, talented sensation"? People have us so out of context, we each have everyone mis-interpreted; Bush... attacking a whole Country because of what one sick individual did to him? Retarded. FUCKING. Retarded. Sharing blood, for a first meeting? "mrow". I'm feeling the need to speak to him again, his personality seems so addicting, those eyes... lets face it, 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' is a masterpiece. Not critically acclaimed, but the accurate portrayal of that role, at such a young age, then to be told by that very same person that you, are just as talented. I know... I've heard it before, people are gonna say it over and over again; but when someone new says it. It touches.
I think I've rambled enough for now... I should get some sleep.
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First off, What's Eating Gilbert Grape IS a masterpiece...Leo's performance was downplayed, because it was amazing in my opinion, too. I need to see that one again...
Anyway, look, I didn't say it like "Oh I don't know everything about you" as in I don't know you...I didn't mean it like that... I just meant that as well as you know me, and I know you, we're not yet bored of each other, you know? So there must be more there, we learn more about each other every day, we get new interests, all that...that's where I was coming from. Sure I know about your peanut butter craves, your booger habits, like I have.. we even have sexual chemistry ;) that one time...in that room with those people...we lit it up. We know each others body, mind and soul...I don't think anyone can truly know someone better than they know themselves though...but I do feel like I see into your soul, inside you, it's beautiful, you are to me. You're the only person, the only girl I ever let know me like you do... and when you share that with someone, like I did with you, and you with me, it's what makes us that close...the honesty, the trust, the bond, it's always there. <3 Hope you realize that.
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Indeed, it was one of those once-in-a-lifetime performances... only a small amount of actors can put so much passion into what they do, to come out with a result like that. Put yourself in the characters shoes... *pauses, laughs* ...we're both actors, so you know what I mean.|
I do realize that... I did realize that, my mind has been elsewhere lately. I've yet been able to focus since shooting ended. Then, everything with you... with us, is growing so fast again. It's hard to round it all together in my mind. I'm sorry for mis-interpreting... you're right, we don't know each other like the back of our hand, maybe... like the back of our arm, only able to see half of it... but having a vague idea of what lies around the corner.
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