| Current mood: | nostalgic |
| Current music: | Guns 'n' Roses - November Rain |
When I Look into your eyes.
It's not only the Hallmark Stock factor of Valentines Day that makes it such a miserable time. When I was growing up, I'd never be a "hit" with the boys; people didn't seem to like the fact that I'd rather spend time at home with my brother, than go out partying and getting high. Which in turn made me one of the 'weird kids'. Didn't bother me at all; I'd prefer to be myself than fit into some socially accepted order. I'm the same to this day, only now insolent comments don't bother me. I've no idea why the fuck I'm writing this down, I'd never actually thought about it until I was showering today. Strange, how things can come to you in the most unlikely of places, both good or bad memories. I was fifteen, typical social outcast wherever I went. There was this group of 'friends' I had... at least I thought of them as friends, it was close to Valentines Day, my best friend... who I'd had the biggest crush on; we'd even classed ourselves as together a couple of times. Bear in mind, I'd rather cut myself than let another boy near me. He'd met this 'new girl' some skinny, anorexic little fuck... that broke me, inside. I had no right to feel that way, to feel jealous; envious... ready for vengeance at any given time.
I got over that pretty quickly, even became good friends with her... then came the card. My first Valentines card in my life, sad; but it made me feel good... my father gave it to me, it'd been left at the gate... I opened it; and the words inside were so fucking sick... not in a sexual way, in an insulting way. 'Freak' seems like a small word to use, but... the way it got me, the way I saw my so-called friends laughing when I started to cry; that memory of Valentines will be the one that sticks with me until the end. Sure, you can say that we alledgedly gain life experience from moments like that, but if you put yourself in the place of a fifteen year old, when acceptance and self-confidence are usually the things that you yearn for the most. Things like that are gonna scar your heart for life. A year after that, I drove myself into a crazy state of depression, violence... casual sex.
>"Blood loss in a bathroom stall... Southern girl with a scarlet drawl; wave good-bye to ma and pa 'cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view."
Mike, has to be one of the most self-doubting people I've ever met. The way our talk yesterday helped me try to understand my current situation, was amazing. He claims he isn't wise, what-not... how he can be an ass? We all are from time to time. Let it stand that Michael Einziger; along with Cameron Richardson... are two people I'm never going to forget, no matter what fate brings. *laughs* Seriously, you kids are amazing.
As he said, yesterday... I was; in denial. Billy; I do still love you... there's nothing I want more than to have you here, just you, me and Maddox... to be there to turn to when I come home, for me in turn, to be there for you. There, to make love to... and know we'll both be beside each other when we wake up. To be able to sit; within a Cemetary and plan our escape away from the public eye, and head to the Body Farm. To drive away and never look back... to make each other happy with the smallest of things, like a smile... or a kiss.
"Never thought I'd be in this place; it's someone elses life im living, wish I were living a lie. The hardest part is when the bough breaks; falling down and then forgiving, I'm choking on the words i didn't get to say and pray I get the chance one day. I still run, I still swing open the door, I still think you'll be there like before. Doesn't anybody out there know to never come around? Some things a heart won't listen to I'm still holding out for you. I can hear ya smile in the dark, I can even feel you breathing. When the daylight chases the ghost; I see your coat and I fall apart, to those hints of you I'm clinging... now is when I need them most, I should get up, dry my eyes & move ahead."
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