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Angelina Jolie (angelina__jolie) wrote,
@ 2003-02-14 14:29:00
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    Current mood:nostalgic
    Current music:Guns 'n' Roses - November Rain

    When I Look into your eyes.
    It's not only the Hallmark Stock factor of Valentines Day that makes it such a miserable time. When I was growing up, I'd never be a "hit" with the boys; people didn't seem to like the fact that I'd rather spend time at home with my brother, than go out partying and getting high. Which in turn made me one of the 'weird kids'. Didn't bother me at all; I'd prefer to be myself than fit into some socially accepted order. I'm the same to this day, only now insolent comments don't bother me. I've no idea why the fuck I'm writing this down, I'd never actually thought about it until I was showering today. Strange, how things can come to you in the most unlikely of places, both good or bad memories. I was fifteen, typical social outcast wherever I went. There was this group of 'friends' I had... at least I thought of them as friends, it was close to Valentines Day, my best friend... who I'd had the biggest crush on; we'd even classed ourselves as together a couple of times. Bear in mind, I'd rather cut myself than let another boy near me. He'd met this 'new girl' some skinny, anorexic little fuck... that broke me, inside. I had no right to feel that way, to feel jealous; envious... ready for vengeance at any given time.

    I got over that pretty quickly, even became good friends with her... then came the card. My first Valentines card in my life, sad; but it made me feel good... my father gave it to me, it'd been left at the gate... I opened it; and the words inside were so fucking sick... not in a sexual way, in an insulting way. 'Freak' seems like a small word to use, but... the way it got me, the way I saw my so-called friends laughing when I started to cry; that memory of Valentines will be the one that sticks with me until the end. Sure, you can say that we alledgedly gain life experience from moments like that, but if you put yourself in the place of a fifteen year old, when acceptance and self-confidence are usually the things that you yearn for the most. Things like that are gonna scar your heart for life. A year after that, I drove myself into a crazy state of depression, violence... casual sex.

    >"Blood loss in a bathroom stall... Southern girl with a scarlet drawl; wave good-bye to ma and pa 'cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view."

    Mike, has to be one of the most self-doubting people I've ever met. The way our talk yesterday helped me try to understand my current situation, was amazing. He claims he isn't wise, what-not... how he can be an ass? We all are from time to time. Let it stand that Michael Einziger; along with Cameron Richardson... are two people I'm never going to forget, no matter what fate brings. *laughs* Seriously, you kids are amazing.

    As he said, yesterday... I was; in denial. Billy; I do still love you... there's nothing I want more than to have you here, just you, me and Maddox... to be there to turn to when I come home, for me in turn, to be there for you. There, to make love to... and know we'll both be beside each other when we wake up. To be able to sit; within a Cemetary and plan our escape away from the public eye, and head to the Body Farm. To drive away and never look back... to make each other happy with the smallest of things, like a smile... or a kiss.

    "Never thought I'd be in this place; it's someone elses life im living, wish I were living a lie. The hardest part is when the bough breaks; falling down and then forgiving, I'm choking on the words i didn't get to say and pray I get the chance one day. I still run, I still swing open the door, I still think you'll be there like before. Doesn't anybody out there know to never come around? Some things a heart won't listen to I'm still holding out for you. I can hear ya smile in the dark, I can even feel you breathing. When the daylight chases the ghost; I see your coat and I fall apart, to those hints of you I'm clinging... now is when I need them most, I should get up, dry my eyes & move ahead."



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imbruglia
2003-02-14 10:18 (link)
Good luck with Billy Bob. I hope things work out nicely between you two, mate. I can't imagine what your own father would say to you on Valentine's Day to leave such a horrible impression on your life, even until today. All I can say is that he's an arse and doesn't deserve for you to even acknowledge him as your father.

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angelina__jolie
2003-02-14 11:23 (link)
He's just one of the many people that... can see no physical fine-line between what's right to say, and what's wrong. I don't blame him for giving me it... he knew as much as I did, about what it contained. *laughs* Been down that road, worn the T-Shirt, bought the program and merchandise; although one thing we all need, on some level is family.

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einziger_mike
2003-02-14 10:57 (link)
Haha self-doubting? Yes that basically sums me up.

BUT WE LOVE ME.

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angelina__jolie
2003-02-14 11:20 (link)
We do, I just also want you to know how amazing you are. End sap. *takes your bucket hat&

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cameron_r
2003-02-14 12:02 (link)
<3 You're awesome, Ang.

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angelina__jolie
2003-02-14 19:32 (link)
Almost as awesome as you and Mr. lovah-lovah over there. *does a heart*

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billyb_thornton
2003-02-14 23:38 (link)
Denial, huh? I love you, Ang... I want us to be together again too, I want the same things you do. I want to have you to relax with and goof off with, to make love to, not the way everyone else does it...but the way we do it; wild and free, no limits to each other...i just wanna love you; love you and let it grow stronger every new day...and when the day comes we die, I want you to have my soul and me take yours, so we'll always be this way...soulmates

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angelina__jolie
2003-02-15 08:04 (link)
*looks into your eyes* We're soulmates; always have been... even way back when; you said Laura was way more talented than me. Maybe she is, but that didn't stop our eyes meeting. FUCK, I sound like a Hallmark card.

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Re:
billyb_thornton
2003-02-15 16:37 (link)
(smiles) Yeah, I think we both sound a little like Hallmark...(looking into her eyes) ...I could lose myself in you; your eyes, looking in them like this, I feel like I can see your soul.
I've never wanted anyone so much; never felt so close to another person, like this...

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