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Cheyenne (angelicwolf) wrote,
@ 2005-06-29 22:18:00
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    wow. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but in a sick sense of things I'm relieved about how things have turned out. The main reason I have chosen to contact you is because I needed to tie up many loose ends, and one of them was to appologize to you. Whether you forgive me or not does not matter to me. I know that I deserve what I've got comming from you.

    Yes, I did care about you, and still do. Is it love? No. But I do care. I was saddened to hear that so many people have moved on from me, but then again I wasn't surprised either. I have been seeing therapists and have found that I have many "issues" to overcome. In light of this, I would like you to know something. I hesitate to tell you, but I feel that it is neccessary. There is a possibility that I might be dieing. I have been diagnosed with diabetes, and because of that and the double ureter on my right side, that kidney is failing. The doctors expect that it will be completely useless within a matter months assuming it degrades at its current rate. On top of that, they are also telling me that I might lose the other one as well. When that happens, the only thing that would keep me alive is dialysis or a transplant. My insurance would cover part of the expense of dialysis, but I wouldn't be able to afford it for very long, so my only saving grace is a transplant. After I was told all of this, I have decided to optionally donate living tissue before any treatment is implemented so that at least I will be able to do something with my life.

    [paragraph edited out due to lack of importance]

    It makes me sad to know that so much turmoil has gone on in your life, much because of me. But never worry. I have my own demons to exorcise, and I don't want anyone else to get caught in the middle. At the risk of being hunted down like a rabbit, I have come to the conclusion that I never did love you as much as you did for me. Now, before you break out the shotguns, I want you to know that it wasn't so much of a choice as it was a matter of fact. With my therapist, we have determined that I am more like my brother than anyone could have suspected. I also suffered from long term anxiety dissorder, which began when my mom remaried my father. Since then, I've held back emotions that ought to have been expressed. The result was similar to holding a live grenade in your hands after pulling the pin. Eventually, you couldn't hold the safety lever anymore and everything would explode. I came very close to just giving up many times before I found my therapist. I am glad to hear that you have come through much loss in the last year, but both of us have miles to go before we find peace.

    Above all, I am proud to know that you have finally found your special someone. I can only hope a lifetime of happy memories for you and Jason. Whom I believe I've met before. I think. The name sounds familiar, but I can't be sure where I heard it from.

    [paragraph edited out due to personal information]

    Forevery in appology,

    Now I feel crummy. I don't think I care. I do, but I don't. He treated me like shit, but I don't think anything he did to me made him deserve death. I told him he shouldn't have drank as much as he did, I'm sure that contributed to it.

    I just wished that I hadn't made the comment, "I just wish he would die..."

    I feel like shit.

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