|Current music:||Buffy the Vampire Slayer Cast: Going Through the Motions|
Post Night Out Musings
I don't know why I even bother these days, it just kind of seems that the more I try to socialise with people the more depressed/upset/sad I get. And these days its not even setting in when I get home, now its like when I'm sat there with a group of friends. In a way I'm starting to think that maybe its best if I just don't bother any more. Then there would be no more crappiness or pretending to be happy when I want nothing more but to run away and leave. I wish I had some money at the moment, then I would just get a random coach ticket to anywhere and just not come back for a while. It would give me loads of time to like think about everything thats been going on, people and what I want to do. But the thing is I know I'm so not brave enough to do that, to just up and leave. Being the person I am I'd be too worried about what everyone would think and plus the whole parents killing me once they got their hands on me. Its still a good idea though, one of these days.
You know I found the perfect song for me at the moment, everyone else hates it, but so much of it rings true for me at the moment, especially the one line, "Its the boys in the bars on friday night that fill the emptiness inside". Kinda hoping the more guys I pull the less lonely and empty I'll feel. I know its a load of crap but you know at the time, for those five minutes I feel like I'm actually wanted by someone, like I've found something to plug up this empty space I have. I have tried to stop all of it like Bunny suggested but I don't seem to be able to, its like I can't help myself, especially if I've been drinking. Before you say it, I know I could cut down on the amount I drink but then I really realise how much of a shit time I'm having. Crap, things *must* be bad if I'm doing this. I have no idea what I'm going to do, is there anything I can do? ARGH! Why is it when you try to answer one question, you end up asking even more? I suppose thats just life, life is far from easy. I did try something else this week, tried to fill that hole with Starbursts....didn't really work, I just ended up feeling sick. Yeah, I suppose in future I won't be eating two whole bags of Starbursts. I wonder would it work with Lindt, I haven't had any of that for quite a while now and I'm starting to miss it. It is by far the best chocolate, it beats Cadbury's by miles. Lol Asif I've moved from guys to food, the two things I can't control really, I tell you what is starting to scare me, the fact I'm eating HUGE amounts of chocolate and sweets and general food yet I'm still losing weight. Its not as though I'm exercising either, the most exercise I ever do is moving from the kitchen to my bedroom. I've already dropped one and a half dress sizes in the past few months. I tell you what is annoying though, I still have a HUGE ass, bloody thing is refusing to budge but my breasts have shrunk, bloody life so isn't fair.
Anyways I seem to have gone off topic.....a lot.....so I better go off to bed and try to sleep
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