it's okay, because in the end.. you know why you do it. why you listen to her droning rationalizations and why you can't bring yourself to argue. you're afraid.. afraid of the lonliness.. she's where you spend your days and where you spend your nights. she's where you go when it rains and who you go with when it doesn't. if it wasn't for her, chances are you'd have little to no communication with the 'real world'.. she's what keeps you sane and she's what makes you wake up in the morning and not want to stay in bed. she's what gets you to work and she's the clothes that you wear. she's the coffee that keeps you alert and the clock on the wall that tells you when it's time to go back home to her. she's the social life you never had and now she's all you have. she's not bothered that you depend on her, she's rather flattered. she likes that if it wasn't for her, there'd be no you. it makes her feel rather important and meaningful, like her life serves some sort of sick purpose.
what she likes the most is how you always let her have the window seat and how she's always the one holding the remote. she's the one who picks out the movies because you know she's dying for you to see them. she likes that you don't mind that she whispers the lines two seconds before the characters do. you think it's beautiful the way she refuses to say anything else during one of her favorite movies. she enjoys that you know the certain songs that you just don't talk during because if you talk, any words that come out of your mouth would ruin the beauty of the moment. she likes that it doesn't offend you that sometimes, she'd rather not hear your voice. silence is beautiful and she loves that you understand that.
she loves that when she wakes up, there's writing on her arms and legs and hips.. 'this is my favorite spot on your body'.. she loves your writing and she loves how it's always different.. she loves that you never buy her flowers, because she'd never keep them alive anyway.. she loves that you don't buy her cards, you write her notes.. notes on walls and mirrors and kitchen counters. she likes that your old furniture is in her house even though it doesn't match anything. she adores that the only pictures on the wall are pictures that you've taken and she adores the story behind them even more.. if only there was a way to frame those.
she takes comfort in the fact that she believes her children will look like you in almost every way, perhaps getting her hair color, but that's about it.. they will have her sense of humor, but your passion.. they will be dreamers and they will be unrealistic, they will have your imagination and her determination.. her compassion and your honesty.. they won't play games, neither of you were ever good at them.. they will do everything with all their hearts, as that's the only way they will know how.. they will believe in aliens, but doubt the existance of god.. they will be quirky like that. they will travel, you will be sure of that.. but they will call home every sunday.. she will make sure of that. they will be different and they will enjoy it.. they will be precious and they will be everything that you are. they will never 'settle'.. you will be proud of them.
you look forward to growing old because you are certain you will not be alone. you look forward to the aches and the pains and can hardly wait to see what her face looks like at the age of eighty three. she looks forward to the roughness of your hands.. and the tan line under the wedding ring that hasn't been taken off that finger since the day it was placed there. you will enjoy moving to the country where there are no mcdonalds or tim horton's.. you will live in an unamerican city the 'real world' hasn't touched.. the roads won't be paved and most of the grass not entirely taken care of, but you will feel free.. your house will have a porch and the porch will have a swing and that is where you will spend the majority of your last days.. you will recall when you first met, the first date, the first kiss.. every day. you will never stop holding her hand, no matter how cold. you will remember everything, and never let her doubt that you made the right decision in spending your life with her. until the last day, she will be where you spend your nights and where you spend your days. she will be where you go when it rains and who you go with when it doesn't..
this is the only kind of love, as you understand it, that there really is.
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