Shy (always) wrote, @ 2007-12-31 03:48:00

WARNING - long entry
this is finna be a long entry cuz i'm gonna talk about finals, vegas and christmas and plans for new years... so beware! haha.

so finals suckeddddddddddd. i hate it when it gets down to my last final and i'm soooo brain dead and i get to the point where i'm like "seriously, who cares?" so i do other fun stuff then its like 11pm the night before my test and i'm like oh shit! and i start freakin out :\ haha. but other than that i was so glad finals was done with. after christmas, all my grades were in and i got 2 A's and 2 B's and a Pass. and both of the A's were A minuses..... i gotta do better next semester! new years resolution :]

so i was done with finals on the 19th. the day before that, silas facebooked me asking me what i was doing and stuff. so we exchanged messages back and forth and made plans to hang out before i left to san jose and vegas for winter break the morning of the 20th. so after my final at 330, i went to have my last lunch with terapoo and chrissy and danny. ummmm silas called while i was at the flower shop and asked if i wanted to hang out then and wanted to get food but i had already ate... i was supposed to save time to eat for him lol. and he said what about dinner... and told him dinner sounded great.. so after i got flowers i went back to my apartment and cleaned up my fucking desk area and the living room where i had been studying. it was a messssssssssss lol. i threw away so much scratch paper haha. and i threw them away with pleasure too. so i put all my semester's work and textbook into those big tupperware boxes and stacked em in the closet til i decide what i wanna do with that stuff. so i watched tv, talked on the phone and napped with muff and moose til around 8pm... then i text silas and he called me and we decided to go eat. i wasn't even hungry but i was bored out of my mindddddddd so he came by and got me... and got me flowers lol... and we went to eat at Joshuya's which was a good idea cuz i can always eat sushi when i'm not all that hungry! but yeah it was fun especially when we were just talking and getting to know each other :] i miss that. but yeah... so after dinner i asked him if he wanted to help me pack and he relunctantly agreed so we came back to my apartment and hung out on the couch and watched sportscenter instead of pack lol. he was so nice and friendly to the dogs and paid a lot of attention to them! but yeah. he helped me with my shoes and boots and was makin fun, saying that my shoes stink :\ haha. he told me he had a girlfriend of a year but she moved to New York to go to school at St. John's and then they broke up cuz the long distance didn't work for them. that was pretty recently toooo. so nip/tuck came on and i made him watch an epi with me although he was "falling asleep" and we kinda kissed on the couch... but nothing else :] he left at like 1am i think and gave me a big ol hug cuz he wouldnt be seeing me for a month! he's so fun :]

after he left i finished packing alotta my clothes and shoes and other stuff like jewelry and books and what not. then i went to bed on the couch with the dogs after watching tv. i woke up the next morning and finished the rest of my packing. i had to wait for alex to come so she can go back to san jose with me! i forgot what we did that night lol but i did introduce her to allllll the friends so she wouldn't feel so unfamiliar. but chyeaaaaaaaaaaaa. me, alex, nicki, katie and cj, his gf, natalie and natalie's friend nick were the only ones to take a flight to vegas. the rest wanted to road trip down there so they actually left the day before cuz they went to LA first. weirdos haha. but they kept texting me all these stupid random jokes. but yeah vegas - the first day we got there, we met up with the rest of the crew and went to the space flights hahahha and other shows and the whole time we were thinkin damn this would be 100 times funner if we were drunk. this was mostly thought when we were at the museum lol. so we had dinner at emeril's (or was that the 2nd night, i dont remember) and after went back to our hotel at the wynn and pre partied. this was when we met back up with cj and his gf's (and natalie and nick). natalie wasn't giving me shit, surprisingly. she even introduced nick and me properly. anyways. so after drinking we went down to the strip and club hopped then bar hopped... hahaha it was funny. that night we didnt sleep til around 6am and everyone was quiet for like a good 10 minutes then i think dent said damn i gotta go to the bathroom again and he got up and then everyone started crackin jokes and we were all up again hahahah. and didnt go back to sleep til around 730. i remember hearing like someone throwing up in the middle of my sleep and i mentioned it when we were all up and no one wanetd to fess up! i think it was natalie HAHAHA. jk. but yeah we didnt get up and out til like 5pm haha but yeah we went to the pool at the mirage. that's when i started flirting with nick hahaha. damn he was so sexy with his nice ass arms. i pretended not to go in the water just so i can stay n talk to him. natalie was retarded... she kept calling him into the water and stuff whenever he'd talk to me. but yeah we flirted for awhile which led to him throwing me in the pool and me getting spf all overrrrrrrrrrr his back and head :] hahaha lol. dent and mike and johnny werent there cuz the trio went to sky dive... haha. krystle went to and she said it was hella fun, but i was a scaredy cat. i love the pics of it though. anywaysssssssssss so alex katie nicki and i went to the eiffel tower which was scary when u were looking up to it, but not when you were looking down from it. so beautiful :] we all met up for dinner at our hotel and got dessert at the coyote. ah im getting tired. but yeah we went to the strip again and bar hopped and i danced with nick came back to the telly and waited til we were kinda sober and went to the spa only to find out they were closed so had a party in our suite's bathroom hahahahha. didnt sleep til late again especially cuz i was choppin it up with nick outside the whole time. we were talking about the warriors and their stellar season HAHA. but yeah and we does tattoos and was telling me he'd hook me up but he's only done it for like a year and i saw the tats he did for natalie and they werent that nice looking. i dunno if its cuz natalie hasnt shaded it yet but it just looks simple to me. i'll just go to a pro probably... but yeah. the next day (or that same day since it was already that morning...) i went into the lounge to throw out water bottles and natalie and nick were there and i saw her walking away and dogged him. i guess they got in an argument and i told him no smoking in the loungeee and he was like "no looking sexy in the lounge" and i was like "then you're violating two things mister" and we were all flirty flirty lol. that day, most of us kept it cool. we had a relaxing lunch and went to the casino and the eiffel again. we also did karaoke that night. we drank at the hotel at around 9 or 10 after dinner and karaoke. nick and i went to get dessert at the coyote again, just the two of us... he was fun to talk to cuz he's not impressionable so i couldn't brag about ANYTHING without him matching it up lol. but yeah we came back soon after and i went to bed cuz we hadda leave by noon the next day. the rest of them didnt sleep til 4am so that meant i couldnt sleep til 4am, which is an improvement over other nights! so the next day we managed to get packed and kinda tidy up the two suites by noon and we left to have lunch at the wynn's lobby. nice group picture with the xmas tree too :] our flight was at 5 that evening so we left to the airport right after. it was so fucking crowded in the car cuz of all the clothes the us girls got while shopping. we left with more than we cameeeeeeee! and i HELLA shopped. seriously. mostly for xmas presents for everyon else. but anyways lol. after johnny and them dropped us off at the air port they went on their journey back to san jose. nick was helping me carry my stuff :] lol. the flight bacck home was great. i got to sleep! even though it was only less than two hours lol. but we got back in time for christmas eveee. alex wasnt with us on that flight cuz she was going back to LA... i was hoping she didnt feel awkward with the rest of my friends (in the road trip) since they were taking her back. then johnny text me saying she fit right in lol.

so xmas eve... when i got back i had dinner with the family then i made a target run and got more wrapping paper and some stuff for my mom and wrapped gifts and wrote cards all night long. i still ahve some presents under the xmas tree because i haven't got around to meeting up with some people. crazy i know! but yeah so christmas was fun. i had lunch with my family INCLUDING both my dads, dinner with my extended family and hung out that night with my boysssss and girls who came back from the roadtrip safe and sound! lol. my favorite gifts were probably the necklace my mom and step dad got me... and the touch screen digital camera my dad got me. ohhhhhhh and katie got me cowboy boots that i LOVEEEEEEEE yay :] but i love everyones gifts. they were all SO thoughtful. i just hope they enjoy the gifts i gave em more than i enjoyed mines <3

sooooooo funny thing happened. brb i need to let muffin out to pee. ok so i sidetracked and warmed up some left over dinner lol. but back to that funny thing. on friday night, i came home from hanging out with nick (we went to the movies and hung out at his place) and i went online cuz i had a monster with nick so i couldnt sleep lol! so jamie imed me and we were takling and sthuff then shes like "oh yeah! have you read stephen's new blog" and i said "no, don't care, dont want to" and she goes "lol ok but its pretty sad" so i log in to lisa's myspace to look at stephen's only to find that her and stephen aren't myspace friends anymore? since when was that? so i text katie to ask for her psw cuz i forgot the last 4 numbers of it and she was like "oh yeah read stephens blog. youve got to." so i read it... =\ so sad. his grandpa... which is someone he would talk to on a regular basis... had a stroke and was in a coma in the hospital... and i know stephen and his grandpa were hella close. he used to tell me that's the main reason why he goes back to bellevue on vacation days. but yeah so i guess that incident gave him a rude awakening and he wrote like a whole entry about me... and how he's realized he's hurt me and hasn't gotten over me and stuff. i dunno. i had mixed feelings about it... i trust every word he says in the blog but it just came too little too late y'know? and i'm over him but i still care for him... and his words were very very touching... so i couldn't really sleep that night cuz i wanted to comfort him but i didnt wanna cross the line. so i just went to bed. when i woke up i immediately text him because i had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. i just felt SO bad for him lol... he seemed so hurt. but yeah i text him saying i heard about gramps and that he needs to hold on and keep believing and just be there with his grandpa... and he text me back almost right away saying my words meant a lot to him and soem other stuff. then i told him he can call me if he needs someone to talk to and he text me back thanks... so sad =( this happened yesterday, although the thing with his grandpa happened a week before christmas... he wrote the blog on the 19th! he said his grandpa has recovered but theyre still scared that he might relapse... and he called it a christmas miracle. oh yeah back to my story. so he called me text me and called me yesterday night while i was at mike's and i talked to him for like half an hour then i told him i'd call him back once i get home... so i got jamie to drive me home then i called him back and we talked, well he mostly talked, til i think 7 this morning. he said at 8am he was gonna go to the hospital again. he's been there the whole week he said... but yeah. i just need to be there for him. i just feel so bad especially after reading the blog and how much he's still in love with me. eh i know it's kinda sad that i'm talking to him and making him think things, but i told him we can be friends again and i just wanna show him i'm still here for him... even if i dont like him in that way anymore. but yeah i text him again today and we talked for like 20 minutes but i was at valleyfair so i told him i hadda go. wonder how he's holding up now...

i don't mean to put him on blast, but this is why i gave in
there are a few instances in my life i look back on and wouldn't do the same way, but i never reflect on them as regrets. they are choices i made and at the time felt like it was the right thing to do. i didn't know how it would effect things in the future and if i had known it wouldn't have been much of a choice, would it? there's just one thing i wouldn't ever forgive myself for. it's not that i left bellevue to play baseball at cal. it's not that i chose to dive for a ball that resulted in my shoulder surgery thus not allowing me to contend as an infielder. it wasn't that i didn't make the hour trip to see my brother in santa clara on my off days. i think we all know where this is heading.

i still remember the first day i met her and the day i lost her. we met at tony's 21st birthday and i remember thinking "damn i better get this girl before josh does." and like an angel that she is, she allowed me to see how kind and sweet she was. i know i fell for her before she fell for me and when i told her i loved her, i meant it more than anything i've ever put my heart and soul into. my downfall wasn't that i didn't love her enough, it was that i never showed her. i see why its hard for her to believe me when i'm fighting for her back and telling her how much i love her. of course she wouldn't understand. how can someone who claims to love her more than anything, allow her to go to her Christmas banquet alone while they set up for a party? seriously, who does that/? i know i didn't make her a top priority and being that i was living the college life, i didn't want a relationship to ruin the fun. what i didn't know was that i could have had the best of both worlds. you really don't know what you lost until its gone. she told me to move on and that it'll be easy for me. she asked me to not call or text or talk to her. she was asking me to give up...... and out of respect for her i did. i gave up. something i never did before. when i had to get shoulder surgery, i still played baseball. i never gave up. i rehabbed and practiced harder. but i gave up on her, and now i wished i would have put in more effort than i ever did with the hurdles i had in baseball. "stephen, i can't talk to you again if i wanna get over you. i know it'll be easy for you to move on, so just do that, and maybe i can too", she said. now it seems she has moved on, but i haven't. i know she avoids me at school by going to classes through different shortcuts. it hurts to know that but once we accidentally bump into each other, i forget how much it hurts not seeing her. she made the right decision in not being with me........ i did her wrong, i admit it. the ways i hurt her are endless. if i knew what i know now, i would never ever ever do her wrong. i only wish her all the happiness in the world, even if that means i can't be happy.

it's the holiday season and my bestfriend, the man i look up to, my grandpa wrote to me in a christmas card "steve, keep on keepin' on and you'll be happy. that's all i wish for you this christmas". now, a fe days later, he's be in a coma in the hospital. it feels helpless when there's nothing i can do or say to get him back or to get her back. they're both there breathing and living so close to me. yet they cant be reached. all i can do is hope and pray that's the only thing i can believe in right now.

everyone pray for gramps he's not done reliving his childhood yet. its times like this when you realize what and who is important. when you lose a lot, you learn a lot...... it's unfortunate how these things work. and i'm sorry if you stumble upon this. i had to let it all out but i didnt post it on facebook because i know youd get to it but hopefully youve moved on and dont bother with checking myspac anymore. im sorry.


so for new years eve tomorrow... one of nick's friend's having a bbQ and he asked me to go so i'm gonna stop by and hang with him for a little. he said i can be his date! lol silas has been texting me too and i've responded to some texts but i'm so busy... i need to call him soon before he forgets about me! but back to new years, after checking out nick's friend's thing, i'll probably go to randy's bbQ since that's where all my friends will be. then that night randy's bestfriend larry is having a party so we're all gonna be there or be squareeeeee lol. i'm not that much in party mood but c'mon it's new years and i'm gonna celebrate with bang! lol i'll try. but yeahhhhhh. on new years day, in the morning we're gonna drive to sierra, nevada to go to the sno-park and to go sledding :] i invited a few friends but it's a trip my sister planned. so its gonna be her and her fiance's family in one van... and then me, denton, jamie, marissa and johnny in another car. i can't wait to go. i'm more excited to play in the snow than to celebrate on new years!

well i warned that this would be long lol. and its 345 now and mike, denton, johnny and ryan are still here playing game. i dunno when they're leaving but i can still hear them in the game room yelling! i keep tellin em to be quiet cuz my lil cousin is sleeping in the adjacent room but i guess they get too excited. well i'ma go say goodnight to them and tell em to lock the door when they leave cuz i'm goin to bed.

goodnight all and happy new years :]