|Current music:||My Diary- The Ataris|
How I see my world...
I made this journal so I can let all my friends and family know whats going on, and what is the truth or not. I am really scared about doing this, but it needs to be done. If you are my someone in my family, or one of my friends, is this hurts you, I am sorry.
The rumors are true, I am bulemic. And I am really sorry. Most of all, I am sorry for myself. You always hear that words don't hurt, that they are just words. Well, they do hurt, pretty damn bad. I had people online (kim , and heather) getting online and pretnending to be me to piss people off. I remember my grandma even talked to one of them and they were all mean, and she called me. I was like "okay, thats not my screenname" LOL. About 1/2 way through my senior year, I got tired of being who I was. I tried one diet after another, but I wasnt losing that much. You always hear about people on tv saying "oh dont stop eating and become annorexic or bulemic" I always thought "yeah cause you dont want anyone else to get all cute and steal your idea." So one day, I tried it, went for a whole week, hardly eating and tons of water... lost 8 pounds. So, I kept on doing it and doing it, telling myself that as soon as I was at a size 8 I would stop... Never happend. I was too scared to stop, and it was to hard to. all you see today on tv and movies and magazines are these tiny beautiful girls. Which makes every fat or ugly person feel like crap. I told my mother and we kept it a secret and we tried to get through it together. But come on, 3 chicken nuggests and 1/2 a can of diet coke isnt a lot of food for one day. But I was in college, how would she know what I was eatting, and if I was eatting. It hurts me to say this, but I would rather go through the most painful death in the world then to become fat again. Really, I would! But what sucks the most is the people from my past acting like im some 400 pounds freak of nature, and still talks shit on me. It's like what the fuck is your problem? Ya know?! You havent seen me in over a year, and you never talked to me a dang day of your life, so how do you know me and how I am? I didn't even go to any of my proms cause of their immature asses. Well, it is kinda funny now though, in college it seems all they have is eachother. Its like my past, is my memories of the one true only hell I know. And it hurts. I lost more than my weight, I lost my respect for myself. Even though I am gaining it back, and a few more pounds too, well im trying anyways. I would rather be myself then something they think I should be. And I guess I need to keep telling myself that. Like that Good Charollete song, "I dont wanna be you, dont wanna be just like you", its right, I don't want to be you, I dont want to hurt other people to glorify myself or just have something to say to make up a convo. This is me, this is who I am, and if you don't like it, then just get out of my life. Dont try to keep me down, because I am climbing my way back up, and its pretty damn hard, so I will not let ANYONE make me slip back down, YOU ARENT WORTH MY TIME OR MY LIFE! And yes, I had plastic surgery, a few times to be exact, hate me for it, I don't care! I am starting to care about myself, not everyone else! And I kinda like it this way! So think of me as a bitch, or whatever else. But this is me, this is who I am...
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