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kaleigha faye (_kaleighafaye) wrote,
@ 2006-07-22 22:31:00
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    Current mood: moody
    Current music:untill we meet again - bandcamp

    love?



    here's a question. . .what the fuck is love?



    is it that crazy feeling you get when the boy you think you may have feelings for says hello? or when he IM's you online? or when he calls your phone? or when he asks you to hang out? or when he says your pretty?



    or is it when you can't eat in front of him because you're afraid you're going to look fat? or is it when you can never find anything to wear even though he won't say anything about your outfit anyway? or when you run to the phone praying that it's him? or when you're afraid to do anything wrong for the fear that he may not talk to you anymore? or when you decide to become friends with all his friends so that you can be around him more? or when every other word out of your mouth is his name? or when you talk too much, because you're nervous? or when you talk too little, because you don't want to sound stupid? or when you call him just to see how his day's going? or when you call his phone when you know it's off, because he's at work but you just want to hear his voicemail anyway?



    i'm not in love and i absolutely refuse it. for now at least. i hate having feelings for someone that i know doesn't have them back. or does he? it sucks not knowing whether it would have ever worked out or not. sometimes i almost wish that we had never met that way i wouldn't have these feelings for him. and as much as i keep trying to tell myself that i don't like him anymore, something comes back screaming into my head that i do. everytime that i try and let go, something tells me to hold on.



    sometimes i wonder if he's ever felt the same way about me? i wonder if he looks at his phone hoping it's me when he hears it ring? or if he ever just thinks about me and what i'm doing? or if he ever gets nervous when he's around me? or if he gets the same kind of feeling when he's around me, when i'm around him?



    i guess i'll never know seeing as how i'll never be able to tell him. and even though i'll never be able to tell him i have this feeling that he already knows. sometimes i think that we should have been together and sometimes i think that we're better off just friends.



    the question is. . .do i love him?



    the answer is . . . yes i do. more than i will ever love anyone. he's made an impact on my life that nobody has made in a long time. he gives me the feeling that i can do anything, be anything. and i like that feeling. i love him with all my heart and soul and i will never stop. maybe one day i can express real love to someone more deserving of it. someone who wants to give me the same kind of affection and more, but now just isn't the time.



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