Alex (2heartscollide) wrote, @ 2004-04-14 16:28:00

In my next life, I want to come back as someone vibrantly talented. In something. I don't care what. I'm just so fucking sick of being so ordinary.

All I do is take up space in this world. There is nothing to me, nothing I will ever contribute. I will always be the one watching on the sidelines.

Everyone I know has something extraordinarily special about them, something that they can do, something that they love. But me, I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything.

I started playing the piano again when I was a freshman because I felt so worthless. I wanted to learn how to do something, find something that I love. But I don't love piano. I never have. Yeah, it's a nice feeling to sit down and play Fur Elise but I have no desire to learn more. I don't know why I'm still doing it; whatever it is, it's the wrong reason. My teacher went away last week so it's been two weeks since my last lesson; I've touched my piano a grand total of three times. And I don't care. I didn't miss it. I know she'll be disappointed in me, when I'm awkwardly hitting the wrong notes, and I know I'll feel demeaned after I walk out of there, but every time I sit down at the piano I just want to get right back up again.

I hate quitting. And it's all I've done my entire life. I completely lack motivation, persistence, inspiration. If I had only stuck with piano since I started in first grade I would be good at it; if I only had the motivation to sit down and play for an hour a day. But I haven't played in two weeks, and I can't even get through my entire Guild list without getting up and doing something else.

But my heart just isn't in it. It isn't in anything. That's why I don't do anything. Except, I guess, for writing. But even that; I am mediocre. It's embarassing when I tell people in journalism that this is what I want to do with my life, because even in that small environment, there are so many other people who are so much better at it than I am. I will never be half the writer Graham is or Matt is or Erin is and they don't even want to become writers.

Well this was pointless. I am going to go occupy space somewhere else now. I hate myself.

finallyasenior 2004-04-15 07:04 (link)

Alex, I never EVER want you to feel worthless in any way whatsoever. You have so many unique qualities that make you YOU, one of which being your determination. You know you're an amazing writer, and by studying journalism in college, you're actually following your passion. I could only dream of writing the way you do; I KNOW you'll be successful in whatever you end up doing. So please, NEVER feel that way. I <3 YOU!! (Reply to this) (Thread)