|Current mood:|| sleepy|
|Current music:||Throw Me Away-Korn|
I'm Jen and I'm 21.
I've been a cutter since I was 14.
I haven't cut myself in 2 years (more or less), not because I wanted to stop. I had to.
I got pregnant and stopped myself from cutting.
It didn't really stop me from S.I-ing myself...I'd find different ways to inflict damage without having to lose any blood; scratching, pinching, biting, pulling my hair. I guess you could say I was a real psycho or whatever. Immediately after the baby was born, D.S.S was called on me for neglect because of reasons unknown to me. Of course, they brought up when I cut as a teen (My grandmother called D.S.S on my mom. Nice family I got, huh?) Which is ridiculous because that case was closed years ago and there wasn't any new cuts, marks or scars anywhere on me. (I fucking hate D.S.S) I'm still on D.S.S to this day and it's been almost 11 months.
Now, a part of me really misses that sting...that sweet release. I miss the tingle, the taste, the fucking rush and Hell knows I fucking need it! All the stress I've been under, all the stupid shit I've been doing and the stupid shit that's being done to me...Life has been a living Hell and it'd be 100X worse if not for my Baby-Girl: Raine Baby-Lynn. (She's my world, my heart, my everything b.t.w) There are times, tho, where I'm standing in the shower, shaving my legs and I'd stop...look at the beautiful row of 5 razor blades just glaring at me, singing to me...Just fucking taunting me....I want to go back so bad. I would hate it, however, if Rae-Rae were to see them or if my social worker decides to "take a look to make sure". He hasn't asked about it or anything, which makes it that much easier to just give in...I don't want this for Raine...but I need something..I've turned to drugs for a while but...I need more...I want it so bad andI don't know what to do...
Damn, that felt good. Before I found this community I had no one to talk to about this because it's always the same fucken thing: "Ohh, don't do it. You have so much to live forrrr. There are people who love yooouuuu." GrrrrAH! Ignorance! All of it...Like assholes who think because I cut, I want to die or kill myself. I've said it before and I'll say it again:
"If I wanted to die...I'd be dead already...Dumbass."
Thanks for listening to my rambles...I feel so much better now. =D
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