It's just me... Like always. Me and the music and dancing... Men, they come and ago... They make it fun, but after all is said and done, it's just me, on my own... No matter how much he loves you, it will end sooner or later. And my heart... it belongs to the music now, I can't love with as much passion as I could have if I hadn't been so much into dance. And I like it this way, it's the way I choose. When I dance, even heartbreaks become beautiful. Hate and jealousy and all the ugly emotions born in rotten relationships transform into flower fields when you make them into a dance.
I can't love Dima as much as I could love the Moscow boy, maybe it's not because of Dima, but because of the way I've become. I had a goal and that was all that I could see in front of me, he was always second best, I didn't appreciate him like he deserved, and it's not something I would have changed if I could. It's not the same anymore.
We were fine for the first couple of days and then it all went downwards. I realize that pushed his limits - seriously. Yet it's all different when you know the person is here to stay. Relationships become perfect only when you know one of you is about to leave: then you don't pay attention to the troublesome behavior. I guess I pushed too hard. On the other hand, I was indeed unsatisfied and bored, that's what kept me pushing. I want him to be fun, to entertain me, to do something crazy, to be a little reckless. He's become such a bore, you know, always talking about work, his studies, things he has to do about the house - fix this, repair that, he's too much into his car. I used to like it how he acted careless about his car's safety, now he's got a new car and he treats it like a baby.... I'd make sarcastic remarks about him, I'd make it obvious that I'm bored when he'd start talking about his job, I'd give him a hard time when he's trying to study because I'd rather have him entertain me instead, I look back at how I had behaved amd I can't believe I've been such a bitch to him... Then we used to have a lot of money and we'd spend it going to expensive places and giving each other nice gifts, being a trendy couple. Now I don't have much pay, I'm only starting to work and he's making car payments, so we're pretty broke and financial problems are not exactly catalysts for relationships.
Last night we talked about how routine it's become for both of us and that maybe we stay together only because that's what we had been planning for so long and it feels strange to break up. I mean I can't even beging to imagine being without him, but when we're together it just doesn't feel right. And then I'm thinking, when was I ever sure about this? When was I ever completely happy around him? When was I ever satisfied with this relationship? Was I ever really passionate about him? Most of the time I complained about this going wrong and that being wrong... I remember I'd often fall asleep next to him thinking that no matter how close he is to me, I still feel lonely...
It's easy to say "let's break up" but it's still pretty heartbreaking when you're so used to the person. We had this talk "about us" and came to nothing. I need time to think about this... I think we should really take a break, but thinking about it makes me cling closer to him. Suddenly, after all the "we need to break up" thoughts I've had every night, it seems very scary. On the other hand, all relationships change, they don't stay passionate for ever, right? Break up and if we still have feelings for each other, we'll get back, and if not, then maybe it's better that way, right?
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