Tina Toledo's Street Walkin' Blues (yodelayhayhoo) wrote, @ 2007-02-08 01:14:00

Current mood:	sick and dizzy
Current music:	Boys Will Be Boys -- Goldfrapp (oh how appropriate...)

If you're not tired of me yet... you will be soon.


Hi. Welcome to my party of self-pity and loathing. Now let's get started.



• My crush in jr high: {To his laughing friends, who held his arms while he pretended to lunge at me} "Hold me back, guys! I just want to make love to her on the gymnasium floor, RIGHT NOW! She's so hot... Uh!" [Note: This was one of many incidents wherein I was mocked and made fun of and treated like I was less than human because I was unattractive and overweight.]



• Vince, my first 'boyfriend' at age 15: "I only asked you to be my girlfriend so you'd have sex with me. That's why I'm breaking up with you. You won't put out!"



• David, my h.s. best friend's ex: {talking to me on the phone for the 1st time} "Wow... You have an incredibly sexy voice! I could get off right now just from listening to you talk. You've already got me hard. I haven't even really been listening to what you've been saying... I just love how you sound."



• Rodrigo: {laughing} "You really believed all that stuff I said about wanting to date you?? And all those lame mushy, lovey-dovey emails -- dude, I was pretending to care! C'mon, Amanda, you're a smart girl! I can't believe you didn't figure out what that was all for. You should've known better than to think I actually LIKED you. I just like the way you get me off. If you're not gonna be doing that anymore, I don't have any reason to keep you around."


Before and between all of those, literally hundreds of guys to reinforce what I'd discovered about what I'm 'good for'. First-time Phone Sex Guy. F. (from Lit). Robert. Chris V. Dallas. Randy. Kyles 1, 2, and 4. Todd from the Senate. Scott.

Time after time, being told that you're just useful for getting off... eventually it starts to sink in, y'know? And the few guys that treat me well? They're obviously just better at hiding their intentions, and eventually they'll betray me if I trust them; they'll prove to be just like the others.

Lesson learned. No man will ever love you and stick around without sex.

Amanda... Why do you even try to fool yourself? Think about it. Think about what they've said, so many, many times.

~ You're actually pretty annoying, when we're not having phone sex.

~ You're not doing that anymore? Regular conversation? Oh... Yeah. Hey, I actually kind of have a headache, so I think I'm gonna go to bed, but we'll talk again soon, okay?

~ Of course we can talk about other stuff besides sex. But don't blame me if I get so turned on that I can't think about anything else. You do that to me. // (after about five minutes of conversation about other stuff) Just out of curiosity... Are you wearing panties right now?

~ Man that was hot. Thanks for the sex. I know I said we'd talk afterward, but I'm pretty tired, and I'm sure we probably wouldn't have much to talk about, anyway... but thanks again! You were great.

Yes, this is my own fault. Yes, I probably asked to be treated that way. No, I never demanded to be treated well, or even expected it. No, I probably didn't deserve anything more than what I got. I obviously brought this all on myself.

...Somehow that does NOT make it less painful. Not in the least.



I HATE THAT I'M FULL OF LIES.

I HATE THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH AND YET STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I HATE THAT I'M SCREWED UP BEYOND BELIEF, AND FINALLY HAVE SOMEONE TO WANT TO BE HEALTHY FOR, AND I CAN'T JUST FIX MYSELF AND BE WHAT HE NEEDS.

MOST OF ALL, I HATE THAT I CAN KEEP HURTING MYSELF... AND JUSTIFY IT EVERY TIME.

Post a comment in response:

From:		Anonymous
		Username:
		Username:  Password:  Login?
Subject:	No HTML allowed in subject
	Don't auto-format:
Message:	Enter the security code below. Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs your IP address when posting. Allowed HTML: <a> <abbr> <acronym> <address> <area> <b> <bdo> <big> <blockquote> <br> <caption> <center> <cite> <code> <col> <colgroup> <dd> <dd> <del> <dfn> <div> <dl> <dt> <dt> <em> <font> <h1> <h2> <h3> <h4> <h5> <h6> <hr> <i> <img> <ins> <kbd> <li> <li> <map> <marquee> <ol> <p> <pre> <q> <s> <samp> <small> <span> <strike> <strong> <sub> <sup> <table> <tbody> <td> <tfoot> <th> <thead> <tr> <tt> <u> <ul> <var> <xmp>