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Heather (yellowflmngo15) wrote,
@ 2004-01-31 00:17:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:The Starting Line-The Night Life

    Why me?
    Why does this always happen to me? I don't understand.....I wish fro once in my life that everything would be the way I want it, or something would go my way. I know I sound really selfish but I can't help it, I never get anything that I am truely interested in. Like I get the short end of the stick. I don't care how many guys say I am hott, good looking or anything I still wish I had everything like they say I do....I may not be totally rich but I also am not dirt poor. I don't want money, I just want happiness for once. To be satisfied in my life to be happy with the way things panned out or something. I just want something to go right. I've had plenty of blessings and I'm thankful for that but it seems like God never hears the ones I want the most, like they get pushed aside. I don't know if I'm trying to hard or what but I seriously wish it would change, just for a day. I mean in the past four months I've lost friends like crazy and only a few have managed to stick it out, they are my true friends and I love them to death for everything they do for me. I lost a girl who has been my "best" friend for almost two years, we got into a petty fight over something that I didn't even know we were fighting over, this is too stressful on me, I can't handle much more of this heartbreak or pain or whatever it is. I finally let it go and I have chosen not to speak to her just for the simple fact a best friend isn't there to hold your damn hand and make all your decisions for you, they are there for support and to help you through the desicions you made. I don't understand what is so hard for some people to grasp, including myself. The only thing going right in my life at the moment is sports, and that is because I worked my butt off for it.. I hope that goes good. Everyone is telling me to be patient, okay people, I don't know what the meaning of that word is!!! It's so hard for me to wait around for something good to happen to me, I want it to happen now!!! I know I worry too much about guys, and I'm trying to stop and I'm making an honest effort at trying to be friends with every guy I meet. They are all like attracted to me and I don't want to be rude or anything but I can't handle much more. I wish I was ugly or fat for a day so I could see what it's like. Like with my friend, I put her feelings all out there attempting to save them and when the tables turn she doesn't even bat an eyelid like oh I have what I wanted now, perfect guy woo hoo run off and leave your friend!!!! Yeah my mom told me about this kinda stuff when I was little but I had no idea it was going to be so rough for me. Thank gosh I have Ashley and Britain, I have no clue what I would do without them. I remember we stayed up until 5:30 in the morning watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and just talking. That impacted me so much I don't think they realize. I've became a completely different person since I met them, and everytime I leave thier house or after a long talk my day seems to brighten like they know what do to and I turn to them for advice. They are some of the truest friends in the world. I have no clue where or what I would be without their help. And what's worse is my grades are good but they are never good enough for me and this is really random but I have so many feelings bottled up inside I would like to scream. I was hoping tonight would have been better, seeing as I wanted Ash and Brit to come over and spend the night, that would have made it all so much better because I could be staying up late and watching Scooby Doo or something with them. They always make my life about 110% better. I am rambling on but I have no clue what to do with my life at this moment. They say high school is supposed to be enjoyable and a great experiance and so far all it is turning out to be is horrific, abusive and depressing I guess I will become immune to it one way or another. Well it's kinda late so I am going to sleep on everything I just said until tomarrow....G'nite all

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