| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Still Remedy Sessions... |
hate...
I think my intensity is going to get the best of me one of these days...
I returned from the songwriting workshop yesterday, to those of you who actually knew I was gone...
I had the most AMAZING time there...everyone was so beautiful, so talented, so...accepting...
I cant wait to go to school there, I hope its the same. Ofcourse there is the possibility that it wont be, at which point the suicidal thoughts will return...
My roommates were rockin, extremely talented...Alicia and Alex..I clicked with them pretty quickly...we hung out a lot..and we also met these dudes from Canada that were really cool...really entertaining people...no one was boring at all...everyone had a story...something to bring to the group...
and the first night, I ended up jammin with this guy Chris from tennessee...he played one of his original pieces and I improved with him...Alicia took a video of it with her digital camera...
I met this girl while I was in the city...Michelle...she is amazing (I will probably overuse this word but it just fits so well when describing the past four days). She writes like a dream, I connected with her almost instantly...its like, technically i barely know her, but I feel like she has been my friend for years...she's beautiful...though I think she is somewhat afraid of the fact that I think that about her...ofcourse all the most amazing girls are the ones you have to withstand ripping your heart out in order to love them...she runs from me, actually I wouldnt even say that her and i had any kind of a happy ending...it was like, we got really fucked up at this party on thursday night, hung all over each other, ended up making out (man was THAT a powerful experience!) And then the next day, it withered away to just talking, and i was torn to pieces...so much that I tried to kiss her friday night..which I regret, because we had just been out at the Christian Science center sitting my the illuminated fountains for hours and talking about everything and nothing...sharing cigarettes...having mindsex...as michelle would say...anyways, I feel that trying to kiss her that night was really inapropriate because we had developed such an intense relationship just by talking...I dunno...I like her a lot...
The last day I lost her...literally...when it was time to leave I couldnt find her anywhere...and I still havent talked to her since saturday night before i went up to my room to get some rolling papers for a couple of guys...(damn potheads)...I hate that I kind of chose drugs over her...I mean, not that I intentionally did that, but when I came back down from chillin with those guys (we didnt even smoke) she was gone, and I ran all over the place looking for her...it sucked so much...
I miss her like hell now and I dont know what to do with myself...
I gave her my cell # and I am waiting for her to call..but I dont think she will...
I hate girls...
I cant believe myself either, I swore I wouldnt fall in love again...and here I am, feeling the same way...its fucking inevitable...
but I'm just so desperate...fuck..I hate it..
I guess that whole experience both brightened and put a damper on my time at the workshop...not that I regret meeting Michelle..I just regret the way I am with people...
sigh...
today I am supposed to chill w/sara...she's with molly...I wont go into it...I just dont enjoy molly's company...but only because it is oh so obvious that she doesnt enjoy mine...
man...so many shitty things are goin down...I just read shan's journal...she is all happy with other ppl...I mean, dont get me wrong, I am happy for her, but I miss her...she thinks I've moved on just because of this michelle stuff...I havent...
not at all...
Linzi is online now, I am talking to her, though she is grounded for being the crazy lil bitch that she is...(to anyone who doenst know, linzi is the girl I met in the Dominican Republic..mad cool kid if u ask me...) Anyways, I would love so much to see her...I'm gonna kidnap her and keep her in my dorm room closet...
I got to see the mass ave dorms where I'm gonna live next year b/c I helped Michelle move there for the second session that she's gonna be at till the 22nd (if she calls me I am goin in to see her..) but yes, the dorms are sweeet...and I kno exactly where I could stash Linzi...hehe...
damnit..I fucking hate this shit...
I want a cigarette...I smoked so much in the city...everyone did...I hate being home...its so fucking depressing...lonely...
I am reminded of my lack of friends when I'm here...
I need to go back to Boston NOW!!!
ok, this is long enough...
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