| Current mood: |  sick |
| Current music: | merry xmas, happy holidays - nsync |
poem i wrote in dance
if anyone knows me they'll know why nov 17th is such a hard day...
willing heart
goodbye to my past,
i've shut the door.
your pleads, your tears,
they wont reach me anymore.
i would have given you everything,
my life, my love, my time.
i was willing to dedicate my every move,
for the guarentee of our shrine.
i was willing to be there for you,
you who said you would care.
and suddenly, without a word,
you were no longer there.
yes, i could feel your arms around me,
your warm breath upon my neck.
and i could hear your laugh escape your lips,
but an "i love you" in your eyes-i cannot recollect.
all i have known of your true self,
is the warmth and softness of your skin.
and although i felt it, i never knew,
the heart beat of yours within.
you made me believe that you breathed for me,
and your deceptive act worked well.
i let you have what you needed to be,
all that would keep you under my spell.
i sacrificed all that i could,
to hold you in my arms.
and i dont know who, you or me,
convinced myself of your charms.
so the nievity, the willing heart,
was all putty in your hands.
and instead of shaping your cinderella,
i became a puppet for your demands.
and if it took me to say a yes,
when all i wanted was a no.
i'd say it till the day i died,
if it meant your love i'd know.
but it wasnt enough for your desire filled heart,
to know i truely cared.
so i shut the door, i shut my heart,
and finally said no to all i shared.
take that and i'll sue your hiney ;)
two years ago i met my first love. i gave him all i had and it was never enough. he always had to see me more, to touch me more, to "show" me he cared. i let him have whatever his heart desired if i meant that he would be in my life. i truely believed i was going to marry him...but i was young, and i was stupid. i thought that if a man said he loved you...he meant it. i learned the hard way that that wasnt true. well no, thats wrong. what i mean is: if a man says he loves you, make sure it's a MAN talking. that may have been my mistake. and over the time of our relationship (a year and a half) i grew up....and i dont know what happened to him. all i know is that the terrible tragedy that afflicted my heart has been almost completely healed. i say almost because i know it never will. he hurt me in a way that i will always carry with me. i miss what we HAD sometimes. and as much as he hates to hear it, i miss his family. i miss his mom and corwin and anthony. i miss them all like crazy. ...
but that time in my life is over now, and i couldnt ask for a more amazing boyfriend. i dont have to SEARCH for the love in James' eyes. its there for the taking. when he kisses me, light kisses, no sexual pressure, when he holds my hand, when he gives me a hug, when i feel his hand on my back...all of it. there is always love in it. always. i never doubt James' declaration of love because it is so obvious i'd have to be blind to miss it. and i hope he feels the same. maybe this time, when i give my heart to a person...he'll realize the worth of it, he'll realize my heart isnt strong and it took a lot to hand it away. he'll realize i love him...and that will never change. i pray
love, brittany
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