|Current mood:|| blah|
|Current music:||Rob Zombie-Never gonna stop|
Is it just me?
Everybody around me, seems to suck in one way or another, they do, or let me down in some way.
I have SO FEW "friends" now a day, is pathetic, and makes me feel that way. I'm almost 20, and I'm in bed by 9 or 10 pm, cuz i have nothing better to do. It's like I've always had to be the adult, I've never developed that lil social gene or something. And I don't know what happened with everybody I knew in high school, it's like everybody seriously did go in totally opposite directions, or just went SOMEWHERE, did something...and I'm still here, still just me. Still just working as hard as ever, but finally slowly getting somewhere, but sitll with the same person I haven't been sure of for WAY too long. I know we won't last when he goes to Nova anyway, that requires too much trust on my part, and that is something he lost with me long long ago.
I don't know what's going on with Gio, it's like I don't know her anymore, I'm trying to understand with the whole college thing, and being stressed out, and not use to being alone. But it's really hard for me, when I'm use to being on my own and taking care of myself, I don't understand why people self destruct or go retarded just because they're having a hard time, ya know... it's like shit happens, you live, you learn, you become a better stronger person, which is probably why I'm the person I am today.
But I guess I can't really say too much on that matter, when I get just as depressed sometimes, it's just I DON'T turn to drinking, smoking, drugs or trying to be one with the crowd to make things seem better, cuz in the end, I would like to be myself, and know who I am, and what I stand for, not just use other things to numb the issues away.
I'm really just not enjoying life right now. At all.
It's like I know I shouldn't be with Devin, but without him, I have NO ONE. Seriously, Nobody,but it's almost getting to that point of feeling like I have no one even if I do have him, it's not like he really listens on the phone, or seems to really care when I'm sick, or about anything I really do. He has his "moments" when it seems like he's really into being with me, but they're becoming few and far in between, and then when he's over his moment, of seeming to really like me, and being with me, or whatever is over, I end up crashing, felling totally unloved, and like he has someone else to be putting those feelings toward, and I really just don't get it. I didn't think it was really hard for someone to let someone else they love, that they do love them, all the time, not just when they feel like it...which makes me doubt him and his intentions with me even more, cuz I'm pretty sure I make him feel loved all the time without having to put much effort into it...
I really just don't know about anything anymore.