|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||TI feat Rihanna-Live Your Life|
Asking Yourself "What Are You Doing?"
I kinda want to shoot myself in the face.
I hate feeling like this, and I shouldn't and the one time I don't is when I haven't had contact with him for a while, or when I am with him, but then I really feel like shit afterward, cuz it's just too weird, and every time I leave him, I find myself asking "what are you doing? Why are you doing this? What do you expect, or want? You really thing it's going to be different after a year of the same shit?" I feel really awkward Every Time I'm with him. I don't know what I want in life, but I don't think it's him...I want so much, and he seems to really be the nitch in everything i want, cuz I can't trust him, it's like I have to devote all my energy to thinking about what he's doing; "is he cheating, is he looking for someone else?" And I HATE it. I HATE that he had to fuck me over like that, and I really can't be with him because no matter what, that is always on my mind. Then when I go out, and see other couples, all happy with each other and like holding hands and such, it hurts me, but if I think about it, it's not like Devin and I were really like that..
It's like, I don't want to be with him, but I still don't want to be without him, but I don't know if I could really handle being friends, cuz I'm willing to bet, he'll find someone else before I will...and it'll still hurt me, cuz I know he has been trying. But I really think in the long run, it's not really that he loves me, he just loves having someone to be with..I don't know anymore....