Man.... Okay let me just talk about the good and the bad of today. The good: Paul came over and we had a nice time. We sat on the couch and watched tv. We held hands, then he put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. Then we tickled eachother. Then we went outside and just talked and everything. And hugged and kissed. It was nice. I really liked it.
The bad.... on the way to the job thing.... I think I saw my dad. This guy was standing by the can place where you turn in cans. He was all sucked up and stuff. I remember the last time my stepdad was a drinker... he probably turned to something else. And yeah.... it just looked like him. It was kinda freaky. I havent seen my dad in years and it just made me sad thinking about him again...
Also, on the way home I had to walk past my sisters old apartment. I just wanted to fall on the floor and cry and cut. Thats where I was sexually abused. I saw the window to their old room. I remember the bed. The couch. Him. Me. I just wanted to die. It was so long ago and I just cant let it be. I remember waking up to him touching me. Being frozen. Not being able to move from the fear. The things he would tell me. "Awww... Tara why dont you not wear a bra to bed, you will feel so much more comfortable." i remember thinking *no it will just be easier for you!* I remember him giving me nightquil and me just passing out on the couch. God only knows what happened while I was sleeping. I remember him trying to get me drunk. I know he would have raped me. I remember him coming up from behind and hugging me, I could feel him right up against my butt just.... yeah.... fuck. I dont want to think about it but I know I have to get it all out. It wont leave though. I dont understand. I can write about it a million times and it doesnt help. I feel so fat. I just want to give up. I was fine all day and I started thinking about it again. It wont leave my mind. And it bothers me even more not knowing everything. Not knowing if there is more that he did. Cause sometimes I am laying in bed and I feel him all over again. But sometimes I feel more than what I remember. Its hard to explain, but I feel something ... entering... me. its sick i know but i am a virgin, i dunno what its like. I dunno, I just have a feeling I have been raped and I dont remember it. My mind wont let me. I dunno. I wish I fucken knew. That way I wouldnt have these repressed memories that want to come through and come out other ways and it just fucken sucks.
And its scary because what will happen when he comes out? Am I going to see him around? He is in there for hurting my cousin so its not like he has to stay away from me. No one knows what happened to me. I just cant imagen what I would do if I had to see him again...