Star No Star (xstarxnoxstarx) wrote, @ 2003-01-13 18:37:00

now its time to make a choice and all I wanna hear is ur voice
I still have been good.
I have had amazing amounts of anxiety attacks today, felt amazingly sick... but I didnt do anything I'll regret
Got Manson's holywood finally which kicks major ass.... made my day muchus better...
wrote something in my other journal, spur of the moment... was told it was beautiful captured reality and the world. it was fucking bad. I dont know how people can tell me I write wonderfully when all that I write is trash. Look at my english grades, no essay higher than a B, that is not talent. I can not write beautiful, wrist_water could, but he went away... everyone does in the end.. that's how I ended up here, but I keep up the facade over there.... I'm not fine.. I feel dead, I am dead on the inside. I dont have a great passion or a dream, I just want to be happy and secure. I want to help people, but how I dont know. Wanted to be a lawyer but scared what I would do if I lost a case, want to by a psychologist but what if one of my patients commit suicide, and how can I help them if I already have all these problems.. what about being an artist? no I would be too impatient and I dont want fame; just good friends...I cant be a housewife I'd go crazy and Ill end up unmarried... music? no talent there... business no Im not interested in any of that. Maybe business law. I wont care as much when I lose but I would be so fucking boring, and I want to help people directly. I always thought I had direction and plan in place but it seems that all I have planned is that I want to be in Boston for college or UNC but that's as far as I have gotten. All I want is to be happy, I dont want to die bitter....
I want to be pretty... I'm too chubby to be pretty, always the ugly fat girl, always alone. I would say lets just stop eating, but I have no willpower (btw it would not be anorexia because this would be healthy, until I get to a good weight)... there is throwing up but thats fucking gross. I do exercise, everyday for an hour swimming, and I eat rather healthy but no fucking change. I am always fat, always ugly, always alone... could anyone love me?
No you fucking moron no one will love you ever. YOU ARE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. DEAL WITH IT

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